yesterday i was lucky to be able to work for hours on my painting specifically made for the new moon solar eclipse. will finish it this morning, i think. so much grief spilling out of me in waves. i cannot tell what is my own and what is others right now. feeling the oneness too strong. now that i am being emotionally realistic, honest, and valuing my values, i return to the priestess lair. i am also following the advice of what i was told in a dream, to with-hold until i know he truly values me. to give the universe clarity soup. another reading last night reveals that it’s about choice for me. i choose my values. i choose to hold in my heart the visions i came here to accomplish and live out, knowing every painful experience is part of the plan. suffering has awakened me. i remember who i am. i know what brings warmth into my life. i know how to give it. but there’s still work to do, to really live it. dreamed last night of being terrified in an internship situation and other worst case scenarios. fear. it’s best to move through it. it is best to touch hearts in a deep way. i like not rising high and falling low. i realize that to keep my balance i need to be true to my soul. the moment i choose pleasure, or grasping, or go into denial, putting delusion over my values, is the moment i step into the reality of up and down and up and down. what starts off as fun quickly turns to tears. what starts off as control quickly turns to chaos. i can only listen to my true self if i want to live in balance and harmony with life. i can practice restraint. i handed the unchosen child to the moon. i let go more of him in the way i feel him, which sucks to have to do, but is realistic. i thank him. maybe in another life. how many loves do we have to let go of because the timing is off, or one heart is more closed, or one person feels less, or something gets in the way, or one thing is off, or somebody dies? life is constantly providing stories about the loss of love. it’s part of the package deal. i continue to see things pragmatically and find peace in this perspective. it’s all temporary anyway. death comes. our relationships are over. our possessions are redistributed. the tale is done. this is why for me, one lifetime is not nearly enough to spend with a partner whom i love. though i also know people fall out of love and it just happens. both. outcomes are less important than the journey of intimate equal passionate devoted love. the right vibrational match for me is the man who feels he cannot live without my love because i am his hearth fire. anything less is not me and i don’t need a man just for the sake of not being alone. i know how to be alone. i have mastered it no matter how much i fumble the ball, making careless choices. his ship will come into my harbor…and until then…i shall follow the wise advise spoken to me last night. i will dream in detail what i want to create, while ceasing to critique in detail, what i don’t want. for my own life and for the life of us all.
it’s done. city dissolution: