manifesto on romantic love sort of…

i ended something that never really began and i am teaching about the death card tonight. how apropos. sometimes you really like somebody and they don’t like you back the same way, or are not ready for it. maybe you never will know the real truth. maybe your feelings are being spared. maybe you have finally learned to open to the right man. maybe you are ready for the equal. are you? yes, says death. i am. falling in love is directly connected to the shadow and light self, not just light. it’s not just pure. when you feel this way about somebody, the shadow may have done the picking. this is why i have fallen in love with emotionally unavailable men. in the past few weeks i have dealt with the shadow by allowing myself to fully feel grief for not being loved, tracing it back to the ignored child. i am no longer ignoring her feelings by trying to change them. by allowing myself to feel grief with full acceptance, it dissolves. speaking of dissolution, we got the new moon and solar eclipse in pisces tomorrow at 5:34 pm. it’s all about the shadow emerging for dissolution into oneness. i admit, i fell for this one. i admit, he was supreme unavailability on all levels. i thank him for being my final lesson with this. i feel that he is the last one. i see the proof. never did i blame him or play the victim. i saw with clear eyes how i was choosing him and how i mirrored his avoidance by avoiding my needs too. then came the readiness to let go with the eclipse being a doorway for release. thank you grief and to the story, so long. on the other side of letting go awaits my equal. he wants all the way in. he is longing for love as i am. he is also romantic yet grounded, self aware, and on the path of healing or whatever he calls it. he does not want to avoid his shadow anymore either. he is taking accountability for what he has created. maybe his shadow also blocked him from falling in love with the right woman. maybe he’s fallen for women who hurt him so he can validate his pain too. maybe he sees this now and is validating whatever feeling is asking to be felt in order to end a pattern of suffering. maybe his heart is open now to falling in love with me because he desires to be honored completely. perhaps we will first kiss on the other side of a painful romantic love life, feeling grateful to bury the old story and start anew. of course there will be new pain…as pain is an aspect of life which comes up in every relationship. but with an equal you can both equally work through pain which arises when triggers fire off.  healthy intimacy still requires work and courage, but equality makes all the difference.

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