saturn-day saturn stuff…

slept like lead last night. in bed by ten and up early again. yesterday’s romantic longing morning was burned off by hours of painting. i dove into dull-drum by early evening, feeling withdrawn like the rainy weather muting the world around me. finally watched the movie “ordinary people”. loved it. will choose it for my school project, i think. the movie brought me down. reflected heavy upon family relationships and people. how when, anybody expects others to act a certain way to make them feel better, it is imprisonment. and yet we all live by certain laws. yet these laws, for many of us, don’t feel hard to live by. it’s not hard for me to be kind and considerate, to stop at red lights, stand in line to buy something, etc. but what’s hard for me is to make somebody feel good about themselves by acting a certain way. yet i am a master at doing it. equal master at rebelling against it. luckily, i can be myself with my family and they accept me. the family in this movie is what i am thinking about. the cold mother who thinks her son’s need to be loved is in his head, got to me the most. specially the scene where he finally hugs her, after realizing he needed to forgive her. the look of shock on her face when he hugs her. chilling. anyhow, families. families are a big deal. maybe the biggest. need to get back to reading about it. interesting observation: as i try to incorporate psychological language, translating my mystical language into it with others…i am so far finding the mystical language to be much more effective in getting the same point across. true self does seem to have more effect than differentiated self, for example. i still want to be bilingual and speak both psychological and mystical. my clients will be different than my friends and my tarot clients. the broader the stroke, the more effective. this leads to one more realization. as i spontaneously transform from reading about family systems and understanding where i have not yet differentiated, i am finding my anxiety reduce. been very anxious about my internship to come, feeling scared and not strong enough to work with humanity on that level. but i lately, i am having a new relationship with the anxiety. i can actually go into the scared feelings beneath the anxiety, and take care of myself. knowing i can take care of myself eliminates the anxiety, which springs up only from fear that i cannot take care of myself…and this fear i cannot take care of myself, is the part of me that had not differentiated (or found true self) until that spontaneous healing moment on the plane i experienced, while reading “family evaluation”.  wow, could it be i am transforming out of anxiety?  more news on this to come…this is still too new to tell…

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