woke up at quarter to six unable to sleep. immediately burned frankincense and dragons blood resin, while making juice, oatmeal, coffee. the birds are sweetly singing. i’ve got the song “champagne supernova” stuck in my head. the part that goes,”you and i will never die, the world keeps spinning around we don’t know why, why why why why…” i want to sing that lyric from a mountain top. feeling so romantic but with nobody to give it to. do you ever get like that? my heart is longing for these feelings to go into the heart my love, and for us to be in our secret universe together. this hunger is for true love and nothing else. not a boyfriend, not a lover, not sex, not attention, not flirting, not masochistic unavailable unrequited lessons, not friendship, not art, not wisdom, not anything but the very singular thing it is. devoted deep all the way forever love shared between me and him. ok, got that out of my magenta system. now back to indigo reason and my capricorn north node telling me to transmute this longing into art and writing. glad i am up early so i can paint a bunch. will do my yoga practice and connect the longing mind to this animal body of mine. the dawn is salmon pink and aqua grey this morning. the taste of coffee burns into my lips. is it too early to start playing music? all i can listen to these days is the neil finn pandora radio station. only music can take these romantic feelings in me and give them a place to live. doing my best to stay truly present and see every longing as a gift. don’t mean that to sound new age cheeseball. it’s a real desire, cause i am sick of brooding and moodiness. sick of analyzing and sick of being the queen of swords from the tarot deck, because i have to stay logical to avoid giving my heart to those who don’t want it. the child inside is learning how to stop doing that. i want to be the queen of cups, so in order to let go and dive into water, i gotta give my heart to only myself for a bit, romantically speaking. learning that the right match for me is a man who enjoys me being my queen of cups self..sensitive, soft, watery, romantic, affectionate, deep, slow, languid. these aspects are begging to be expressed after two years of heavy weight logic, reason, wit, discipline, detachment, airy intelligence. “let me see you stripped down to the bone.” this is the call. naked and raw like an oyster. god it feels good to feel this. it’s how i felt long ago before life schooled me into being smart. sure, i was naive and broken down, but i knew how to feel romance for life. this feeling is not just for him, it’s for all of life and for the limited time we have here that can be taken away in a second at any moment. how insane is that? a poet takes over my heart, feeling romance for the light at dawn and for the way we hurt one another, make mistakes, admit we are wrong, heal from tragedy and move on. i feel romance for the bloodline with every gift and curse contained within it, passed down through the generations. i feel romance for the hungry ghosts within us and for the hungry ghosts who died unfulfilled trying to hang on in the etheric. i feel romance for the light and shadowy web entangling us all up in it. mother earth karma. the story of this galaxy, and this universe. the whole shebang since the big bang beating in my chest asking to be expressed. i will i will i will. i love you.