universe, i love you…

back in seattle. my return was positive. rainy cab ride home, talking to the cabbie about vegas.  unpacked, put on clean sheets, washed all my blankets, did the grocery shopping, swept the floors, painted, and met up with somebody i had not seen since last summer, unexpectedly. we did readings on one another. his reading for me was about having what it takes to bring my creative ideas into fruition, with a warning in the mind, to not see myself as the victim. made me realize i still have some of that victim mentality in me for the world. can i really create a happy life for myself? yes. and then there is this small little girl still fearful, unsure of herself. reading family systems theory anchors this notion deeper, and i realize i need to differentiate just a bit further. almost there. crashed early and up early, on my parent’s schedule. the sky is blue-grey, once again mirroring my inner weather. birds are chirping. the energy feels soft and tender. i cannot stop thinking about how true differentiation from family is getting to a non-reactive, self generated emotional space with relationships in present time, outside of the family. the thought crossed my mind about attachment to abusers, and how just as much entanglement can happen with that relationship, as it can from a loving healthy relationship, or a dependent relationship. on and on. all types of relationships become their own system and only by being a self generating being, able to see both sides, able to generate your own ideas, beliefs, values…not take it personal when the other has needs or wants or issues with you…the ability to communicate honestly…on and on, too much for blog i realize…and this is a long ass fragmented sentence here…forget it. what i am trying to say is, being your true self is the key. differentiating your true self from the family system, in present time, is not as easy as i thought. there are so many nuances. aspects of personality i never understood till now, are related to reacting to family. desires rooted in still reacting to negative things that happened in the past. i am catching deeper layers not caught before, and see that it does take many years to heal, to see it all, to understand the mammoth multi-layered scope of being human. i can talk about this in mystical language very easily, but i am more interested in the psychological language because it makes more sense to the pragmatic moment, in order to make progress. i want to use my mystical voice for fiction, poetry, and creative outlets. blah, i am all over the place. this is why i love blog. it gives me the freedom to use my voice without restraints. well, not true, i don’t say 90 percent of what i want to say, because people i know read this. i live much of my life in secret. not secret. just with the universe and me, we have an intimate relationship that will never be shared with any human being. my most intimate relationship is with the universe, who gets the one hundred percent transparent me. will any human ever receive this? probably not. oh look, the sky is getting very blue. wasn’t in the weather forecast…

this is the week of sudden change.

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