liberty replaces shame on saturday…

dream was intense last night. three guys into me. one guy, young hipsterish. one guy, european with accent. third guy in recovery. european just wants to look at my face and tell me how pretty i am, shallow. i am unsure if i can be with guy in recovery even though i really like him, because i fear my drinking of alcohol will be an issue, and i consider quitting. hipster guy i spend an intimate evening with, he tells me it’s magical. next he tells me i have food in my teeth and pulls away. next his friends are over. i hear him say when asked about me, that it was not magical. he is making fun of me. he lied to me just to get what he wanted, i realize. next i am with my brother from another mother, k, telling me that my lesson is to with-hold completely with men until i know he really values me and is not being selfish. k always tells me my lesson in real life. with my last boyfriend two years ago, he said it was discernment, and it was. i feel this dream was prophetic. seems part of my journey is to restore the divine feminine balance by experiencing all these facets of suffering as a sexual woman, to understand this suffering, and to heal from it by giving it voice and empowering the wounded feminine back to healthy life. i also dreamed that i moved up to 23rd street. left my house to go for a walk and was so happy to walk through those neighborhoods, thinking to myself,”all i needed to do was move up the hill.” i don’t take this literally but it feels prophetic also, like, even the smallest change can bring much joy. my subconscious is working with me to create growth. i am nearing the upperworld. the seduction to fall into darkness while writing my autobiography is strong. writing about how messed up i have been pulls me back to a helpless place, but i am not helpless anymore.  the past is really the past. the feminine feels strong and the masculine feels loving, within. it’s hard to not edit my paper to death. i realized this morning that i never used the word “shame” once.  how did i avoid that? something is seeping out of me. what is it? shame is what it is. shame is leaving me. i don’t feel shame for my past or who i am anymore. i still worry about being judged, but more out of how dramatic i am. so be it. i am dramatic. i am deep. i am serious. i am light too…and silly and ridiculous. i wish for everyone who has dealt with similar trials, to feel proud of who they are. i don’t use the word pride often, but i think there’s a place for it. every shameful story turned into a proud story, transforms suffering into love. in my opinion, you gotta dig deeper to see the truth. liberty is not freeing yourself from shame to express all your many desires, per se. it’s digging past all of the multitude of desires that often are distractions, to get to the hurt hiding beneath the soil of awareness. what does the hurt need? love and understanding. this is liberty. the irony of how desires shift when hurt is addressed. i don’t feel like explaining this statement. i am feeling my own sense of liberty rise out of a dark cave. vegas is always the place i break from the chrysalis with wings…

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