anais and henry, i wish we were hanging out…

my brain hurts from writing a paper i cannot stop editing and putting thought into. editing is something that i find enjoyable. my parents think i am overdoing it. who knows. all i know is, this is what is fun for me. i work so much better not being the only one in the house, and having space to move around, plus the ability to go outside. i keep waiting for a partner to live with, who never arrives. i have given up on the idea of being a roommate, feeling too old and too wary to share space with others, but maybe it’s best to ditch that resistance. still don’t know how to create a more nurturing home, but i know i want space, others, animal(s), a car, some land, even if just a tiny amount. i am sick of waiting for love, sick of being hungry for love, sick of talking about how much it hurts, sick of friend’s reactions, including my own, sick of the whole shebang. yuckiness. i know it is impossible to stop looking, like all those cliches say, i never was one who could manipulate my feelings with the mind, fuck that shit, i am gonna be real and raw and this gets me closer to the closest love i can, not a human man, but divine. pragmatically, what i can do is try to focus on what i love the most, writing and painting, making art, studying theories, thinking about meta ideas, and reading more books. i can get more focused on my yoga practice, which has slid from discipline into the realm of how i am feeling. woops. blah blah blah. what if trump wins? terror. nightmare still not over. so many people are in so much trouble and pain. sorrow. overwhelm. aware of my own cognitive dissonance. the world of humans. me as one of them. illness. sudden loss. oppression. shadows. oh snowball, take a hike! anxiety is running high today, sort of. this blog is a bit of a vent, really. could be the heat of the desert, the dryness. not sure what. who cares. i have nothing to say here in blog. i don’t feel sad, angry, happy, frustrated, scared, or any of those feelings. i feel….there is no word…like a star is exploding inside my stomach. like i am unlikable. like i should hide and run away from people. but those are thoughts. and the moment i speak them, they vanish. cannot hold on to anything but the growth of writing and studying, yoga and basic living. i feel the collective of humanity in a tornado right now, like dorothy. upheaval and change. no other-earthly beings are talking to me, helping. where are they? flatline. the radio waves are silent. the lushness is matte. my heart is the color beige, sitting quietly, knowing this too shall pass. this whole life will pass. laughter beneath. yet still, a tenacious need to repair. never mind. end this blog. i am too aware. like anais always talked about, craving oblivion…

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