my blogging is a bit inconsistent right now, but that’s ok. so is my yoga practice, less ok. my habits are wavering, as change consumes. i keep thinking about how much i want to move. to have a car, a larger place, a pet, and a mate. can’t control the mate part. can’t afford to live alone in a larger place with a car and pet right now. still needing to work the practical out to bring in more nurturing abundance, my achilles heal so to speak. it’s easy for me to live ultra frugal and bare minimum, but i want to give myself more tangible loving prosperity…and lets face it, tangible love costs money. fear arises with each step deeper into physical reality i go. it’s much easier for me to barely touch the physical world, to own very little, pitch tents (studio apartments furnished on a second hand dime), have no pets, no car, no man, not even a friggen toaster…in order to live like a star priestess who only dangles indigo feet into the realm where others are investing, owning, claiming, saving, and building hefty physical incarnations. this is where the intersection of suffering and spirituality meet, and where spirituality can operate as a limiting comfort zone. i don’t avoid the physical because i am so enlightened. enlightenment is not the same as awareness. and the reality is, even if i experience my larger selves outside of my earthly incarnation, i am still very attached to this earthly incarnation. i avoid the physical because i hid in the ethereal as a child, due to the physical world being a scary place. this defense mechanism calcified into a personality trait, and here i am today, wanting to melt away this method of madness. while i still have a body to live here, i want to fully live here. last night i sat at a casino bar, while my dad gambled for a bit, observing all the men in suits, living it up, drinking booze, feeling important, vital, on top of their game, you know what i mean. me…i felt stoic…as i was suddenly struck by the thought that one day my family will have passed to the other side, and i might be completely alone on this planet, aside from my friends, nieces and nephews…as i wont be having kids, and who knows if my dream of partnership will ever manifest. the thought brought on a feeling i cannot find the word for, but acceptance was a part of it. i thought about how my time in this body is limited anyway, and soon enough i will be going home (passing away). forty to fifty years goes quickly, and that’s if i am lucky. death will come faster than life will last. i find comfort in this knowing, maybe because life has been one big suffering/healing paradigm since i was little, and maybe because i am always connected to my soul viscerally, to the point where i feel more of myself outside of this body, than within this body. despite feeling peace with my death, it does not change the fact that i have a defense mechanism of avoidance, and a lack of ability to trust the physical world to nurture me or feel like a place i want to be. also, i do experience much pleasure in life, in the little moments, with the people i love, out in nature, or when i am creating or working passionately. i am only highlighting a certain aspect here, as i turn to face what i tend to avoid. the fear walk, is to walk deeper into the physical. this is what i shall do. never had a bucket list before, but with this new personalty trait i am developing, of finding pleasure in facing fear, i have a small goal…to jump from an airplane one day, with one of those people holding on to me, with a parachute. talk about facing the physical!