shadow in the desert…

due to a ticket situation i don’t feel like explaining, i got to fly first class today for the first time.  what a difference from coach.  i was handed a warm towelette after drinking water that was awaiting me, next to my large roomy seat.  orange juice and coffee were served in real glasses and mugs.  i didn’t drink any, but booze was free.  the guy next to me ordered three bailey’s and coffee.  i was served a hefty cheese and fruit plate, while continually being asked if i wanted more to drink.  felt like a treat to fly.  i couldn’t help but think about what money can buy…comfort, space, quality, and pleasure.  i wish i didn’t like the experience, that i was somehow above it.  not so.  it gets me thinking about humanity, quality of life, the larger picture of the have’s and have-not’s, the system in place, and how much of it is inherently wrong, if you consider right to be what makes humanity as a whole, grow.  i am here this time in vegas, to get work done, and have a retreat of sorts.  not seeing any friends.  wanting silence, peace, and to spend the entire time with my parents.  so much is going on in my family.  so much is going on in my heart.  coming back to vegas always brings me to a more physical and simple space.  in seattle, i get lost in the myriad of my solitude, as well as juggling the various factions of life, different groups of friends, work, school, and channeling the other realms.  it’s always complex.  here in the desert, it is simple.  this week i am searching for the vulnerable story, free of pity, victimhood, and despair, yet also honest about how i feel.  not apologetic for my essence, and fully accountable for how i effect others.  if you feel hurt due to my actions, i want to know, apologize, and heal the gap of misunderstanding.  last week at work, when a client got triggered by me, she did not allow me to explain and heal the gap of our misunderstanding.  when she jet, i felt stunned and sorrowful to be another person in her life that was judging her.  i wish she did not see my that way, but i am not in control of that.  i got triggered myself because her refusal to listen to me brought up my past.  ping pong.  we effect each other.  it is hard to consider everyone’s feelings all the time, with all of the daily stressors of life, and each person being sucked in to their own narrative.  i think it’s fairly natural to unknowingly cause hurt, and a part of human nature.  hurt is part of love.  i don’t want to be fearful of conflict anymore, because i know this is true.  i hurt, you hurt, we all hurt.  nothing new under the sun.  i am here to take responsibility for my part of the fucking up.  anyhow, my brain is on overload.  the real truth is, that underneath all of these many relationships i am juggling, is an underworld desire to escape from them all, to escape the symbiosis, to feel a sense of being nothing to nobody at all.  it’s a very very very deep dark desire in the shadow.  intimacy is intense.  i wonder if this has to do with why i attract emotionally unavailable men who don’t want me all the way?  are there more pieces to the puzzle than low self worth attracting people to validate that?  no need to analyze this to death.  just noticing my responses.  learning about different levels of the shadow, and how it might be manifesting.  when something keeps not happening that the soul hungers for, chronically throughout life, it leads to uber investigating.  every essential experience of relationship i have not received, leads me deeper into the realm of the healer.  the two are so connected, that neither side, the healer and the shadow, exist without the other.  fascinating…

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