another completion…

another cohort completed.  not waking up at six am to go to bellevue to meet with my classmates and learn…feels like something is missing.  takes a few days to adjust back.  how adaptable humans are, helps me face the various fears of the future unknown.  blue sky emerging from the grey, this morning.  whipped cream clouds.  a bit of dark smokey grey, deciding to leave.  reflecting back, the most fun time was acting out trauma and stressed related disorders with my little group.  most of the other information given, has already vacated my brain.  i remember how to write case notes, and how to use the dsm 5.  that’s about it.  but my way of learning will be to study alone, incrementally.  or obsessively.  both and.  doing laundry now.  going to vegas tomorrow to see my folks.  looking forward to getting out of the northwest.  my soul need to be hung out to dry in the vegas sun.  too many winding forested paths.  i need to see the vastness of the sky, all at once.  i get what’s happening here. change.  i see how in the past, i was not ready for this.  i get what makes me afraid.  i am not fearful of diagnosis, on myself or others anymore.  i see my own and honor that it can change.  more than anything, i am observing the detriment of holding extreme beliefs in one direction.  somatically based, i notice that when i am holding on to an extreme and isolated belief, sizzling adrenaline courses through my belly.  it’s totally stress related, dude.  animals don’t like to be threatened.  i also see how if i don’t create art, writing, and do yoga, i will turn into a basket case.  my sanity is not fixed, nor is my sense of equanimity and balance.  every day requires the practice.  having enough self love and dedication to keep myself from falling deeper than a little, into the dark abyss, is the important part.  and i still fall in.  the dark abyss is always to the left of me, as if i walk through this life.  reminds me of a particular path in zion national park, where one side the mountain reaches high high high, and on the other side the deep abyss drops down down down.  it’s about a mile and half long, and the end takes you to a beautiful vista of the entire canyon.  that’s where i am headed.  i think it makes a good healer, being so close to falling.  my reluctancy emerged again too, this weekend.  the magical child wished to follow her capriciousness and help nobody, not wanting to partake in the human race.  i know i only feel this way because i am starving for a certain love.  we are sensitive creatures, some more than others.  i see the logic of it all.  i see how i will enter what i avoid and dissolve resistance.  this is an aspect of the great work.  i am in love with my school, and this journey…it teaches me about real love…how real love is filled with resistances and growing pains…and how the kind of love where you just feel good, is most likely pure infatuation.  makes me wanna create new words for specific kinds of love.  maybe i will do that today…

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