days one and two…or,stars and blood…

my goddess there’s so much to process.  i am the quiet type in groups, in my family as a group, school group, any group more than about four.  but when the setting is intimate and small, i am a lit fire wanting to share what i really feel. authority still scares the crap out of me.  what i am afraid of?  it seems to my mind, like nothing.  walking into fear is almost…no big deal.  could i walk on fire, or jump from a plane?  yesterday school triggered me hard core.  diving into diagnosis, right from the get-go, felt too raw, too soon, too disconnected from the homeostasis of the whole.  and yet this is the magic and beauty of my school, plopping us into discomfort zones to grow.  i realize, i am learning more from my fear, than any book knowledge.  yet oddly enough, i cannot wait till my DSM 5 arrives, i want to spiral bind it, tab it with colors, and read through it out of desire.  these categories fascinate me.  my story is changing around them, even the story of the past.  that’s what’s such a trip, you know?  how i have told this one story about my life on medication and in therapy, for twenty years, now, and just today, the story changed.  just like a diagnosis can change in the blink of an eye.  my school is a mirror of how life really is, emergent and fluid.  i feel proud, even if i don’t show it.  good girls keep quiet, don’t flaunt anything, and remain serenely elegant.  it’s all a cover, dontchya know.  within is the burning furnace of scorpio.  i get just as many traits from the stars, as i do from my bloodline.  blood and stars.  flesh and soul.  braiding two into one, is the way i roll.  i love my classmates.  i feel at home among these wise insecure caring shadowy light innovative unsure creative sensitive rebirthing healers like myself.  we are all unique, and as we combine, we also differentiate.  the spectrum is what life is, not black and white.  when alex told strange sage who told me, i felt it too…the relationship of one disorder to another.  then, when missoula sis talked about a paradigm where diagnosis is not the lay of the land, but only one lens to look through, i felt it too.  i feel the variety, and probably will swing both ways, to journey on through.  the itch to study in phd program, is it real?  i dreamed about it.  who is the scientist here?  is she a romantic notion?  maybe.  but when i said i was gonna walk into my atlantean wound, i meant that i would walk all the way in, however that flows.  all or nothing, gets me to the in-between.  gotta know the polar opposites to desire the middle, says a bipolar disorder twisting into a yogini, taming the chaos into a equanimous story.  you cannot even tell anymore, what you are lookin at.  neptune slips into her silvery suit, singing poseidan’s name.  the theory that the collective developing of humanity mirrors individual development. understanding that the soul lives just as much in the unknown as the ego…and that these are different aspects of the same life, alive equally in the moment.  tossing out static fixed permanent platonic ideas, that sit more like statues, than move like verbs.  how could that make sense when we know nothing is permanent and everything is in a constant state of movement?   or is that my subjective experience too?  school, you are doing this to me!   rich.  and…at times noticing how i lose interest, wanting to drift away.  wishing for dissolution.  indulging in a capricious desire for the freedom to be nothing more than a leaf on a breeze.  yelling on my way down from the tree, it’s too serious here!  but instead, i keep moving deeper into life, as kd washes away the edges, opening my heart all the way.  how does he do that?   anyway, change is fucking hard.  my resistances shoot up like skyscrapers, one by one.  carefully, i take them apart like a kid playing with leggos, making art.  ok.  goodnight.

2 thoughts on “days one and two…or,stars and blood…

  1. Awesome flow in this blog. You bravery on the face of your pain us inspirational. I am not finding such bravery in the face of my own. Something chemical is not working right in my brain I’m afraid. It’s scary. Forcing me to let go of all notions of what’s normal and trusting that the bottom doesn’t just fall out of this thing

    • oh dave, i wish for you some inner peace and chemical harmony. there are ways of achieving this, i know you can..and will. i had the bottom fall out of my mason jar filled with water. if it happens, try something out of the box. sometimes that’s just what the doctor orders.

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