sorrowful love blog…

i just keep losing control of my feelings right now in life.  twice yesterday.  the first time was a first time in my sixteen years work as a reader, where i triggered a client, then she triggered me, and it ended with a big fat lesson on my plate, about repairing a hole in my aura, where other people’s energy gets inside me, because i still harbor feelings of not being wanted, and being a burden.  those feelings came up again last night, with somebody.  just when i thought i had a handle on the situation, i lose control in my heart, unbeknownst to the other.  did not want to give him my stuff.  feeling unlovable by the night’s end.  starved.  unwanted.  never good enough to be the one he follows, falls in love with, and wants to be with forever.  feeling like a left over, a mistress, a catalyst, or a helper, all i get to be…this is the trigger.  i know trigger is an overused word.  whatever.  can’t deal with word choices this morning.  more important to stay with the feeling.  this hurting.  not to dwell on it, but recognize it.  understand the ocean of tears.  what comes up is how every time i want him, he does not want me.  and if he wants me, i don’t want him.  never congruency in all these years of hims.  i seem to always be the one who hears, “i can’t get into a relationship right now.”  i think this is code for, “it’s not you.”  i understand love is love is love is love.  when it’s right it’s right, and until then, somebody is always wanting more, the other wanting less.  this one is awakening me too, right now, we are friends, it’s not black and white.  maybe that’s why it is so intense.  a partial awakening and forced shutting down at once.  my kind of love honors the other.  i know what you need and will assure you get it.  but what do i need?  how do i take care of my heart?  tired of having to transform desire all the time, i am not a monk.  tired of being the gush needing to rush into the cosmos, cause no heart wants my lush.  wanting to be a creature that can rest in receiving enough, for once.  like a tiger in a cage, being thrown a scrap of steak, pacing alone.  here i am, in the same situation i always find myself in.  somehow i need to break out of this skin.  somehow i need to figure out how to feed my soul hunger.  i don’t mean to sound ungrateful.  i don’t want to disclaim that right now, though.  sometimes you want to allow the feelings out without guilt or sugary coating.  look, the point is, i am such a great little helper, making sure the souls feel loved and special.  and now, here i am, with nobody to hold my hand.  don’t feel pity.  i am not a fan of it.  pity assumes helplessness.  i’d rather give tenderness and empathy.  maybe it’s best to stop choosing men that push me away.  i am not aware i am choosing them, and…am i?  or is is just happening?  he asked why i have never been in a long term relationship.  i said because i haven’t met the right person yet, where it feels good to go for the long haul.  i get out quick when i know it’s wrong.  i believe in the one, even if there are a few one’s to become one with.  and i wonder, am i pushing the right one away?  no.  fuck that.  get out of the head.  go for a run.  get back to center.  focus on school.  repair the hole in aura and carry on…

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