bloodlines, karma, forgiveness, self sovereignty…

the birds are sweetly chirping on this soft semi-spring morning.  bluish grey sky, white peaked mountains, a large crane hovering over the skyline like a dinosaur.  feeling extra mellow this morning, maybe from being in a zone of working and reading hard core.  introverted flow of getting stuff done mode.  not wanting to be around groups of people or the city, but in it anyway.  walking to volunteer park, finding solitude in small spaces to move this body in between absorbing pages…

after messaging with a friend last night, and seeing that she is also alive inside from doing her genogram, i realize…that when you call upon the ancestors, they arrive.  alex was the first one to turn me on to the word, “haunted.”  what a powerful word.  i have been haunted all week now, by the men who were controlling and abusive in the bloodline, as well as by the good housewife women who sucked down cigarettes.  i feel my psychologically messed up ancestors inside of me, and wonder how much of my own tortured past is due to dna codes firing off in this body, that would not exist without the line of ancestors who come before it.  the mystery to this unlocking feels endless.  how far back can i go, past the physical information i can get from my parents?  i feel back further, to the beginning of jewish religion entering the bloodline, the birth of that religion blossoming through couples, silencing the women, and giving men the power.  i think back further still, to sasquatch/monkey primitive days, when my bloodline might have been started, if it is that old.  aren’t we all that old?  i connect this bloodline work i am doing, to the myth that pours into my brain, wondering how the two axises connect.  on and on…

back to the ground, i can see why i have the urge to give voice to the silenced feminine.  i can also see why i have avoided long term relationships with men.  i am not gay, but i wished i was.  if i could control it, i would have chosen to be, though i know controlling it is not how sexuality rolls.  sexuality chooses us.  i also know once i find the right partner, he will feel safe, honoring me as i do him, us mutually liberating each other, while being very close.  and if i never find him, i will take lovers, going monastic in between, making my true love, oneness itself.  i am flexible like that, but i also wont deny my soul hunger for deep intimacy, i can’t.  i need him, is how it feels, but perhaps this is only a bloodline urge?  i don’t want to minimize the bloodline callings, though.  i believe if i can create true love in sexual partnership, the love that opens up my dna as a result, will heal my dna, while shooting back into the bloodline, like liquid diamonds, healing everyone’s dna….because…dna moves forwards and backwards through linear time, much like the queen in chess…

i have complete forgiveness for the abusers, the controllers, the silenced ones who did not protect, the neglect, all of it in everyone.  it’s always been very easy for me to forgive, since i was little.  i feel pity and sorrow for the one who hurt me the most.  i know it’s a sickness, and that he isn’t bad.  i don’t need to judge somebody’s character, to hold them accountable.  no child is born wishing to be awful to others.  nature might make a certain amount of violent and compulsive temperaments in a gene pool, cause nature creates variety…at the same time, abuse and destructive behavior is chiseled out of conditioning, mixing with an already manic or violent temperament.  add just a touch of booze to the equation.  this is how it happens.  at least in my bloodline…

yet no matter how crappy things happen to anybody, it’s no devil’s fault, and nobody is bad…in my reality, bad things happen because of conditioning, temperament, and patterns passed down through the dna, all mixing together inside of a person, who commits acts of harm.  harm is an objective reality of being human at this time of history, no matter how much it hurts.   you’ll never find me polarizing people into heaven and hell regions.  we are all both, in varying degrees, and in my memory of all i have been, in all my lives, i have been both abuser and abusee.  ignorance is an objective reality too.  we learn and we grow.  we don’t learn, we don’t grow.  i accept and forgive everyone…

the hard part for me, is setting my self free from the shackles of learned helplessness.  i learned a long time ago, that i did not have power.  but this is not true, for it is only the young child who imprinted this conditioning into her shy and somewhat introverted temperament.  i do have power.  i know this now.  my sun is growing inside, where butterflies and anxiety have ruled in the past, keeping power at bay.  self sovereignty is manifesting, as much as it can in this symbiotic soup of earth dna.  so mote it be.

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