for those of you who are reading my poems at https://michellebloom.com/blue-jay-poetry/ you may have noticed the line breaks were all fucked up, but now it’s better. wordpress formatting issues i still don’t understand. forced myself to paint last night, which made me feel less stopped up. painting is my medicine. writing is my medicine. both go way beyond wanting to make art…i must to do both to not sink into blahness, stuckness, or despair. i must do both to understand myself and life, i must to do both to transform energy inside me, to get it out…and i must show both to others. before the internet, i read poetry at open mics, hung my art in cafes and a few galleries that would have me…but since the internet, i find satisfaction here, online. maybe it’s a bit lame. i don’t mind. anyhow, yesterday i spent the entire day learning how to use a genogram program and making my genogram. oh the frustration. i vented in so many places. the highlight was calling my mom to vent, and really letting out the cuss words. this all became a learning lesson, of course. there were a handful of throw in the towel, fuck this shit, helpless moments, where insecurity blazed through my body. but after i got out enough venting, with enough black tea in my veins, and my obsessive tenacious scorpio nature to propel me forward, i got through it all. tom from genogram analytics helped me through much confusion, on the phone. by seven i was able to stop and wait till today to continue. as the genogram comes more together, so does how my family of ancestors, live inside of me. i am being haunted by the men, and calling out to the women, who have passed…i am seeing myself through the lens of their paving. it’s all about that right now, as i immerse, caring little about anything else. learning computer programs provides immense challenge for me. i am more of an eighteenth century kinda girl, but somehow writing my genogram on parchment paper seemed too overwhelming. i chose the robot to help, ditching my old world sentiment. it’s the paper i feel more compelled to get my heart involved with….and yet making the chart did seem to open me up. some fun would probably be balancing right about now. if i am able to stop obsessing for two seconds. unsure. don’t matter. letting the obsession unfurl….