spent the afternoon and night with school friends at the wizard’s house in the woods. we took turns sharing stories, divulging our deeper selves, discussing matters, sitting by the fire. i think the gathering evaporated my chemical storm from the three nights before. i realized the tears are rooted in the primal child, age three or four. that’s why the tears feel bottomless. excited to get my book on developmental theory and learn about it. feeling it hard core. talked much about my atlantean wound yesterday, which translates into resistance to reading books to learn, being orderly, doing things systematically, trusting the white man founders (atlantean brothers) and investing in their theories, translating the healing work i do into the field of psychology, and so forth. the urge of the wound is to say “fuck you” and choose to be fully feminine, free, wild, chaotic, right brained, intuitive, and complete unto myself as a nature being, needing no structure, authority, and no institutions to tell me what to do. this wound, alongside a bloodline trait to be “the good girl” and obey authority…clash inside of me, creating another more refined layer of cognitive dissonance. alex’s words, “we divide to defend ourselves” is the mantra that is becoming my lens to understand the split in my psyche, in everyone’s psyche, and the divisions within the world at large. a great work is inside to be a bridge. i pulled the courage card last night. this is what courage is right now: letting the three year old cry out her tears fully, walking into my wound of anger toward the patriarchy by reading books written by men and learning theory, transcending the bloodline trait of being a good girl by being authentically me around authority, opening myself to receive love by not investing in old stories that act as blocks, while at the same time honoring any story that needs a creative outlet to complete itself. this is my underworld journey. the way i saw it last night…my true self is a pearl i am carrying in my heart, through every obstacle, as they occur one by one. each time i want to run away, i walk into what i am avoiding instead. each man i attract who only wants a piece, i don’t take personally. devotion to the pearl is my singular focus, as i transform suffering through the process of inner alchemy. i am carrying my pearl through every shadow on the cave wall, making bridges from pain to love. healing myself to restore my birthright, and to heal the world. large vision. large understanding. large care. it’s how i roll. today is valentines day. i realized yesterday i have never had a valentines, in the romantic sense. somehow the relationships i have been in, never fell on this day. i know it’s just a marketed holiday, but in lieu of walking into what i avoid, i bought some grapefruit and vetiver bath salts i shall soak in, and a pair of beautiful gloves…being my own lover…giving myself my own love.