awakening, limited time, and desire…

last night i cried for difficult aspects of living.  aging and the loss of vitality, illness, death.  i wanted to be held and cry into the chest of a compassionate man, admittedly.  it was one of those vulnerable cries, where i feel the fragility of being human, empathizing the sorrow of loss in those i love.  when the tears hit, they were filled with fear and also the strongest desire to not see those i love, suffer.  there was a point in the crying where my usual head tape played, “life is too much for me to handle.”  i caught the sentence in my net of awareness, looked at the statement, and questioned it.  what’s too much?  the answer came in swift.  the emotions are too much.  so i looked at that.  emotions.  what are they.  i have always referred to emotions as weather passing through, and chemical storms.  reminds me of the song “you always take the weather, everywhere you go.”  this is true.  the weather inside of us is a mirror for the weather of the planet.  feelings come and go, when they are expressed, and only calcify into depression or other static states, when repressed or avoided.  once i realized my emotions were what felt overwhelming to me, and not life itself, i stopped feeling overwhelmed as the tears made their way out of my body.  for me, reason usually brings calm and clarity.  so does painting.  and so does my spiritual connection.  i feel my connection to the gods, goddesses, and other-worldly beings that i commune with, whom are not eternal like oneness itself…though they live for thousands and thousands of years, and are connected to oneness in such a way, they do not feel separate.  these beings comfort me tremendously.  thinking about my family tree autobiography project for school, i remember the year when i transcended past my bloodline, as the source of my identity’s home.  it was an awakening.  i did not seek it out, it sought me out.  in a flash of lightning, i remembered my star lineage and connected to a larger version of me.  i went from being a human named michelle, to being a multidimensional being of light having many experiences, including being michelle.  after this awakening, i connected to mother earth as my larger mother, and she became my guiding force.  this awakening was a visceral full body experience, not a belief i chose to have.  if anyone is resistant to beliefs without experience, it would be me.  beliefs that are chosen to try to reduce the complexity of life to simple ideas, in order to digest fear, is not my style.  my spiritual awakening changed my life, for whatever it means outside of being human.  maybe i have been given a living metaphor to help me understand.  no need to cling to literal interpretations.  point being, when it happened, no longer did i feel all of myself as michelle.  the awakening restored me to a sense of wholeness, plugging me back into the universe, rewiring my dna.  this happened when i was 23.  youth of the body still mine.  now that i am 43, i feel the vulnerability of aging.  i see it in those i love.  when i tap into it, such as last night, i feel time slipping away from me.  i want to pin time down.  i don’t want me as michelle, and those i love as who they are in this life, to end or lose health.  i feel deeply attached to this lifetime.  the hour glass is ever present.  this awareness stokes my hunger for all i want to experience while michelle.  true love being perhaps, top of the list, as i have yet to express this with anybody, and so the hunger is hungrier…a desire to create a deep soulful lifemate bond.  the second large desire, is to bust old systems/paradigms/illusions down, transforming and awakening myself and others, back to our birth right of love, peace, and understanding.  the third major desire, in my holy creature trinity, is to express myself creatively.  i must make art, or i die.  finis.  last night i dreamed i wound up in france, but only for a few hours, wondering what i could experience before i needed to head back home.  limited time showing up again.  the feeling of being in a different country sticks with me this morning.  i am craving that too, travel is another strong desire…

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