the sky is smalt blue this morning, a bit of grey, warm. did not sleep too well last night, and had classic bad dreams about my cohort. we were all involved in some group sport. i sucked at it. felt outcasted. blah blah blah. all that i fear from childhood displayed yet again into a present scenario in my dreams. my subconscious and conscious are still so different. when will my subconscious catch up? little by little. painting pan and woman has turned to painting isis and osiris, or the anima and animus. or the creature and spirit. so many ways to perceive one dynamic. i feel the energies switching today. feeling more gravity, and the donkey has returned, slow and dumb. the good kind of dumb. a rest from complex thoughts and catharsis. a good day to read souls. hanging out on the edge. yesterday, the bottom fell out from underneath my mason jar water bottle, in my back pack, soaking everything, at the same moment i stood up from the stoop, to discover i’d sat on gum. what does it mean, i asked her? we clarified our mutual journeys cleansing our bloodlines. she must meet the wasp. i must meet…don’t have an animal totem for her. i am on the hero’s journey, traversing through the underworld, facing every obstacle that stands in my way, each challenge telling me i can’t be happy, bringing up shame, the need to live purely for others and forget the self, fail. i plan on walking through the details of fears, until i make it back to the upper world, transformed. if i have any say in the matter, i’d like to create a new alchemical wheel all together. not sure i’ll get there in this life. but it’s a goal. pantajali reminds me to remain non-afflicted through the opposites. i am part of the repair of the world, one human at a time. listening to krishna das still melts my heart into a puddle of sweetness. my heart longs for oblivion too, as anais nin put it. to sink into the experience of love so deeply, i cannot make reason out of it, all thoughts vanish into the experience. to shape shift into a creature free from the bigger picture for a moment, an afternoon, a day. it’s hard to explain. rather end this blog and paint.