creative fire and the dead soldier…

another sunny bright aqua morning.  it’s like waking up in spring.  yesterday expressed a dichotomy through my body.  i felt heavy, made of lead, tired…and yet i could not stop doing doing doing, like on imbolc, one thing after the next, jogging, laundry, painting, reading, cleaning, moving this body through what felt like gravity squaring itself.  a force larger than me, or a larger force of me, determining my actions.  by night time i found myself talking with a dead soldier.  he arrived into my consciousness, magnetized by my fear of loss.  for he had just married his true love, before heading off to war, and dying almost immediately in battle.  first i spoke with his ghost, which is sort of like a leftover emotional fragment.  his ghost felt anger about the injustice of life.  next, i spoke with his soul, the part that leaves earthly incarnation and still maintains individuation and connection to earthly lives.  his soul understood why he lost, and expressed calmly the lesson of loss and how it has effected his capacity to love.  like we keep hearing about in school, it’s “and both.”  emotional reactivity is not the place to make truths from.  the anger and sorrow that stem from suffering, are not truths.  they are feelings.  truths are higher reasons.  some people don’t believe in higher truth.  that’s ok with me, i don’t mind.  to each their own.  i can only speak from my own book of experience.  i remember and connect to parts of myself that live as a soul, as well as other beings, having very different experiences than the michelle part of me.  this is why i believe in higher truths, because i experience them.  just like how your perception changes when you grow, these other parts of myself reveal to me very different perceptions than the michelle one.  i know the soldier gravitated toward me because i’ve been feeling sorrow and anger about injustice due to a family member, whom must traverse through something terrible.  i tend to snowball when i think.  in ten minutes, i am thinking about loss on every level one can imagine, from my own to the world.  this brought the dead soldier to me.  i allowed him speak, knowing we share a mutual connection.  when his soul opened up to me, i welcomed the higher truth he shared and remembered that every horrible experience i have endured, i have grown from, becoming more accepting, forgiving, appreciative, compassionate, and unconditionally loving…which for me, are the sacred learnings.  but i also recognize the other side of injustice and suffering.  tragedy.  the novel i wrote, “seven days,” was an homage to tragedy, which i felt compelled to give voice to.  tragedy is as real as growth.  i needed to write out a part of my inner self that was pure destruction and pain.  i healed that part of me, through writing her tale, which not only honors tragedy but also shows the dangers of spiritual thinking, and how spiritual thinking can rationalize tragedy.  “and both.”  suffering provides an opportunity for growth, and it also may lead to tragedy.  tragedy just is.  in the spirit world, it just is too.  healing does not stem from sugar coating horrible actions, it stems from accepting the horrible and using the emotional charge to create something beautiful.  turning lead to gold.  alchemy.  so you got the light, you got the dark, and you got what occurs when you marry the two in the middle.  thinking back to my novel, now that i am grad school, back in the world of healing…i feel a small urge to rewrite it.  i said i would never go back to it.  i have not even read it since, it’s too painful.  but i wonder….maybe i could rewrite it and make it better now?  it was my first attempt, and although i am proud of it, i also know i could turn it from a sophomore effort into something greater.  there’s still a chance for rebirth…or i let it rest where it is, and write something new…or…both.

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