happy new moon. the morning sky is aqua, and the mountain peaks are glistening with frosty snow. i will go out there for a jog, and try to shift my energy. too much is swirling inside this morning. longing, desire, fear. will continue with my pan painting (here he comes again). went to a study group with my saybrook friends yesterday. all day we hung out. seven hours in an amazing log cabin that sits against the woods of discovery park. a magical abode owned by a wizard. said wizard shifted my perception of pan. i’ve always known pan is the animal in us, with both shadow and light aspects. i’ve always been close to this god of the underworld since i was a kid. he represents desire, passion, hunger, the creature. yet what i did not realize, is how i had grown to fear him over time, due to the creature in me being wounded. he came out in the last lovers painting i created, which hung on my wall for two years, before i painted over it, a picture of transformation, then sold that painting to a long time friend, who is also in my student group. (interesting.) now pan returns to the canvas. the wizard helped me see that i need to honor pan and learn how to let him in, in a creative way, not the self destructive ways of the past. another friend in the program is a a mirror for me, although we have very different stories wrapped around pan, we both have resorted to destructive tendencies for outlets. pan got perverted and skewed inside, and i wound up externalizing and fearing him. when he first came out on the canvas, my reaction was, “oh no, here we go again.” but the truth is, he keeps showing up for healing. i will paint him until he is integrated back into love, inside me. my saybrook experience is an invitation for healing. saybrook is beginning to feel like a disguise for a sentient being here to initiate the hero’s journey. what i thought would be only about grad school, assignments, theories, papers, projects, and readings…quickly delves into deeper healing, as we journey through the underworld, together. i keep getting confused. am i in grad school, or the underworld? both. i think this is common protocol for psychology grad school experiences among people. imagination and reality braid into one tree, reaching toward father sun as the archetypes come alive within. the feminine needs healing. she calls to pan. i paint to heal. i paint to know and understand. saturday night was a part of it too. that joy of expression. a light hearted pan filled evening. can there truly be a hunger for play in the soul? feels like it. feels like the core of existence is play…and everyone has forgotten. on this new moon, my intention is to activate playfulness, creativity, passion, and the wisdom gained from being me. i will end this blog with what went into my brain when i was five years old, and stuck in my heart as my anchor for life: i am me, i have always been me, i will always be me. i may not remember who me was (before this life) and i may not know who me will be (after this life), but i will always know it is me.-michelle bloom 1976. i find home in me. always remember.