post cauldron pondering…

today is the first day in a week i am not waking up at 6 am to get to school.  spent ten hours each day under fluorescent lights, in a corporate building, in downtown bellevue.  made a new family of peers.  cried twice.  once due to the dark overlord of the past, showing up unexpectedly.  and once because i felt sad to get back to my regular life.  the first time was cathartic.  there he stood behind me, the hooded shadow man…reminding me that i cannot escape the shackles of submission to the shadow council, that i was nothing more than a slave, and that this joyful feeling i was experiencing for being in grad school and working toward my calling, would be ripped away from me.  he arrived when the image of walking on eggshells was mentioned in my group, and i judged myself for being an eggshell walker, worrying i would never be able to authentically communicate with my group…so self conscious that all i could focus on was fear.  bravery sprung up from the wellspring within, and i spewed the contents of my feelings and images to the group.  as i was  divulging, i noticed each person’s eyes looking into mine with compassion, genuine care, love.  snapped me out of fear like lightning.  their eyes grounded me in reality, and just like that, mr. shadow shrunk into a tiny fly that flew away.  i recall how i acted many years ago my americorps group at the beginning, when i experienced a full fledged melt down in front of everybody, due to being in a group.  i felt embarrassed to lose control, but everyone gently walked me through it, giving me love, and that group became a family that changed my life too.  i’ve come a long way since 1999.  one aspect i love about saybrook is their philosophy and practice.  i am learning that by presence being the only agenda, what needs to emerge, emerges.  sounds simple, but let me tell you, it’s not easy.  i have practiced this solo for many years now, but never have i practiced it in a group.  it’s fucking powerful, far from comfortable, and showing me a new way.  as an intuitive healer, i don’t do what a therapist does, at all.  clients say i do, maybe because i give them information that is therapeutic.  yet i do the work for the client.  i use my intuition and sight to pull out what’s inside them, and then give them tools to help process what i have pulled out.  a therapist, on the other hand, guides the client through pulling out their own stuff, and arriving at their own conclusions.  it’s a completely opposite process, even if the information beneath, shows up the same.  i am only in the beginning of my learning curve, so i don’t really know yet…but i wonder…if i might be the kind of therapist who chooses to bring in some of the intuitive healer methodology?  i can see how this might be beneficial.  i’ve been told that what i give the client in one session, would take them months to figure out on their own in therapy.  but i question the value of speed over process, and ease over challenge.  is gaining clarity easier and faster through another’s intuition, more helpful than gaining clarity slower with more challenge, through the self process?  a new exploration of understanding.  i will find my way blending the two paths, and i might be over black and whiting this topic.  by the way, i hate the word client.  hate is a strong word, and that’s my strong aversion.  would love to find a better word that does not sound so cold.  or maybe i just surrender to the current tone of the professional world.  anyhow, this is the first day back to my regular life.  i did not want to arrive here yesterday, but now that i am here, i feel happy i have time to blog, do my yoga practice and take what i have learned into the outside world.  i feel my group with me in spirit.  i am beyond grateful for the cauldron i have been cooking in this past week…for my peers, my teachers, and the cracking open of my mind and heart.  words are not sufficient to express the feelings.  i think a painting is in order….