from star to stripe…

i keep waking up at 3 am, with a sense of fear and anxiety coursing through my brain, but when i wake up in the morning, it’s gone.  sometimes the crisis is so large, it’s cosmic, as my friend calls it.  it’s existential.  the crisis is alchemy working to create a new sense of balance within.  i feel a desire for purification.  nothing extreme, as i don’t take that exit anymore.  but i no longer feel able to dissociate from my body in order to harm it, for the sake of an emotional rise.  i no longer seek an emotional rise.  happiness is like a turtle right now.  or a donkey swinging in a hammock.  (just saw that on facebook.)  feeling the world, this country, tension building, and the human spirit in a hurry.  maybe it’s this year of the monkey.  there’s a fastness to it, and lots of sudden change.  my yoga practice is the anchor.  developing my own home practice.  one song for sun salutations a and b.  one for the standing asanas.  one for hip roll dancing.  one for back bends and core work on the floor.  it’s my own design for my own body mind soul.  today is martin luther king day.  a holiday i honor.  what change he brought, because his words and magnetism penetrated the human spirit.  there’s a a lot of talk in the new age, about how we each have to be a leader, and to not look for saviors.  true, but i still believe in leaders.  one person can influence the masses deeply.  very very very few people can sacrifice their human life for the good of all.  most of us, even if we are passionately for equality and justice for all, are not willing to sacrifice our own lives for the good of all.  this distinction is not to be judged, only noted.  another new age thing talked about a lot, is that sacrifice is a negative thing, and nobody needs to give up their own life for the life of another.  i don’t believe in this either.  sometimes  it is best to give up your own gig for another.  and sometimes a leader gives up their life for the good of all, and change happens, such as with martin luther king.  sacrifice is positive, within balance.  the new age can be very extremist in its beliefs, as all spiritual modalities and religions can tend to be.  in my current alchemical crisis, i am not finding refuge there.  i am finding refuge in the buddhist approach.  not the religious dogma of buddhism which birthed afterward, but the simple practice the buddha taught, to reduce suffering.  watching my thoughts rise like a big fat wave, and dissolve again into nothingness, as i remain present for each feeling, not judging what i feel, or resisting what is happening…allowing my internal self to run her course, witnessing…as i choose a new path, narrowing the vastness of choices, to a specific direction.  i go from being a star shining out into the vastness in all directions, to being a stripe on a linear journey from here to there.  gulp…