inside the flames of the fire on a rainy day…

it’s a rainy dark day out there.  i think the seahawks have a playoff game, and if they lose they are out.  wonder which it will be?  weird dreams last night of preparing to give a workshop, but everybody was driving in the snow and ice, filled with hills.  i was trying to decide if i should get a bunch of scissors from the store, as i knew it would be a large group, and wanted to have everybody cut out words associated with something or other (dreams?  goals?  wish i could recall).  the hilarious part of this dream was that i was explaining to a friend what it meant to cut something out, saying, “you have this vastness, the everythingness, and then you carve it out and make it a specific thing when you use the scissors.”  in the dream it seemed profound, not the hilarious parody it seems like in waking life.  i was a passenger in a hippie van that could not make it up the hill.  we almost fell backwards.  there were two guys in the car, and we were all attracted to each other.  the one next to me was tall and lanky, had light hair and glasses, and expressed major concern that i could not like him as much as i liked the driver, who had this massive fro, was brown skinned, and also wearing glasses.  the fro guy turned around and flashed a quintessential smile when the light haired guy said it.  random.  i like the randomness.  the past two days i have been so immersed in meaning, that i feel ready to hit the pool ball triangle and scatter what i thought i knew.  see what comes back to me.  see what makes it into the pocket.  that reminds me, i looked at a mother in law apartment on craigslist last night, that had a pool table in it.  this could be a brilliant thing for me.   way to bring a metaphor to life.  deepness.  i wonder when and where i will move to?  stay on the hill or leave it?  get a roomie or live alone?  more choices.  i still feel so uncertain about things.  the tower card.  illusions crashing out the details.  considering going back on okcupid, to stay realistic.  but i don’t know if i have the energy to sift through all the wrong people.  don’t feel the right one is on there.  can i live fully from my intuition?  i see that i am only wronged by intuition when it’s not really intuition.  when there is fear involved, or insecurity, then i can be acting from another place, and calling it intuition.  life.  it’s a big year for this country.  i am feeling that too.  how well will we stand up for the justice of what is humane for all, when our collective unconscious is riddled with learned helplessness?  i usually take the stance of the observer, but feel a call to participate more.  you gotta walk into your callings, like walking into a fire.  or not.  but walking away is not an option for me at this point in my life.  i want all of my relationships…be it with myself, my community, my partner, my friends, my family, and all of life…to be passionate, deep, scary, and meaningful.  life, minus the part that we live and die, is uncertain, and filled with risk.  yet how much you engage fully in life’s potential is a personal choice.  for me, only insecurity and fear crave old slipper comfort zones.  not by any means do i wear a cape and feel pride over my ability to walk into the fire.  it’s more like a step by step process fed by a soul desire, to stay awake and bloom alive inside the flames of the fire….