heart speak and silence…

good morning, tuesday.  another weird night of dreaming.  another night of watching stuff on the screen.  sad movie about lonely teenagers trying to find themselves online, and the overly lax or controlling adults who mess everything up.  winter time.  don’t feel very creative.  maybe it’s just this week.  i stare at my canvas and don’t desire to paint upon it.  my brain is left heavy right now.  i could be put to good use organizing something vast and chaotic.  which i am sort of doing with my own life, though not very chaotic.  choices are more the highlight.  knowing when to listen to the heart.  i realize that i cannot get any guarantees, over and over.  if life gets interrupted in the middle of a commitment, so be it. happens all the time.  this is me feeling the uranus transit.  but i gotta take the risks needed.  if i allow myself to feel what my heart really feels, with courage and without apology, it is this:  capitol hill feels like my home of all homes, i still love it, and if i had enough money and ability, i would stay living on it, though i feel life always wants to move me and i will follow the flow.  i want to become a therapist because i want to help people on a deeper level than i have been able to do as an intuitive guide, and i want to help teenagers, it’s a calling that is my choice, where as being a healer was not my choice.  i want to make a sustainable living in this money world we live in, and allow myself to do so, trumping guilt.  i want to infiltrate the system, not run away from it.  i want full acceptance for the way things are, and to make changes from this acceptance.  i love seattle more than i have loved any place in this country.  i don’t really care much anymore about “making it” as an artist or writer, though i will continue to create my whole life, and will always be an artist, i don’t really seek public recognition for it.  my values are changing.  i want to be of good use, to love well, to express my imagination, that has not changed, yet the costume around it has.  i just don’t give a shite about things i used to care about.  it’s fairly new and weird, but that’s how change always is for me, sudden.  i am lonely for romantic love.  i can endure being without it, have an equanimous mind, yet this does not discount my heart’s calling to build love on a sense of devotion this culture has either discounted, or glamorized away from its essence.  i find it ironic that my understanding of how to have a good relationship comes from me, a person who has not been in a long term relationship.  it’s like “good will hunting” or something.  i am lucky to know partnerships that have been models, showing me the nature of devotion lived, and that being in love does not always fade, even though it changes, and has it’s ebbs and flow.  only certain couplings ignite this devotion.  it’s about the people, not the concept.  but for me, it comes back to guarantees again, and letting them go.  i can desire what i desire, and still live without these desires being actualized.  what a strange concept.  i hope to actualize the dreams in my heart, yet i am also learning how to let dreams go.  and this is all about me and my life. i could write long about my heart’s desires for humanity, but i feel that would be…trying to control what is not in my control.  all i can be is a catalyst, conduit, loving force.  i am at peace with all i can do.  ok, i admit, i feel my mind pressing the point, and i feel like backing off.  wisdom knows, that when you are pressing points, the subconscious is filled with shadows.  hello, shadows inside.  time for a pause in all this pressing, as the moon movies into pisces.  i wish to stare into a glassy pond and listen to birds.  or to walk in the snow and feel the muffled silence envelop me.  maybe staring into a glass will do, or perhaps listening to raindrops splatter onto an umbrella…while i let go of every feeling, and bask in emptiness…the sweet kind…that tempers a passionate nature….