monday often feels this way…

david bowie’s passing is the highlight this morning on facebook.  i feel his death like princess diana’s death.  sad.  an emptiness where they were, left behind.  monday rain has returned.  i dreamed about a white cadillac.  forgot the context, only the symbol remains.  back into this feeling.  quiet.  humbled.  was wondering about past lives last night.  connecting dots in my mind.  honoring the things that have been both hard and easy.  burning palo santo wood.  drinking red wine.  feeling the passing of time over lives.  my hair is growing out again.  the blinds are broken.  looking at apartments on craigslist.  thinking it would be helpful to have a roommate.  wanting a pet.  trying out a new dating site.  how many of us are jaded?  i admit it.  weary but open.  believing in love, no longer hurt by past disappointments, yet i forget what it feels like to be in love mutually returned.  don’t know what the right kind of love feels like.  only know pining for the unavailable, or letting go of the wrong match.  watching myself kill a pattern by not engaging in it, even if the habits are still acting themselves out.  behavioral cognitive transformations.  amber around the neck.  devoted to true love.  devoted to the karma that is my life while i have it to live.  time, an illusion, but death real.  the movie reel that plays according to personal perception.  not afraid to be afraid.  not afraid to dive in all the way.  not afraid to learn it was deception.  not reliant on a guarantee, yet building upon loyalty to a vision.  slow on the mat today.  not rushing progress.  not judging weakness.  not gloating about strength.  tempered.  watering the seeds.  dreaming under the moon’s influence.  missing whimsy.  need to paint.