braiding rainbows post new moon…

writing this after a morning sunshine jog, so i feel great.  i love sunny days.  was thinking though, that i appreciate days that are not what i want them to be.  the rainy and dark days.  when life is not the picture of happiness.  you know how you build the immune system by jumping into a hot pool, and then a cold pool?  i feel that the emotional body becomes stronger when you go from a sunny happy day, to a rainy sad day.  when you learn how to traverse opposites without reacting to the polarity.  this is the foundation of feeling an equanimous mind.  there’s a difference between being disconnected and not being reactive though.  people disconnect through lots of things: caffeine, pot, booze, work, working out, living for others, etc.  disconnecting means not feeling what you are actually feeling, or covering up the feeling with a substance, person, or activity.  you disconnect from your emotional body when this happens.  i am a big magnet for these types, maybe cause i am the opposite and opposites attract.  i feel everything fully.  don’t get me wrong, i still struggle with sitting in the raw feeling without the help of some yummy food, or whatever…but my whole life it’s been hard wired into me to not ignore what i feel.  well, that’s not true at all, actually (i have changed so many times, i have to remember not to assume who i am today is who i used to be).  i remember being a teenager and in my head a lot.  when the therapist would ask me how i felt, i could not answer with a feeling, such as sad, angry, etc.  i would always answer with a thought, such as, “i don’t like the direction my life is taking,” or what have you.  overly intellectual, conceptual, idea driven.  but once i broke the seal of feelings, that’s when i became new, and eventually over the years, turned into an expert at feeling my feelings.  then i began to master accepting my feelings and giving myself unconditional love, no matter what, over the years.  next came the equanimity piece, learning how to feel one way today and another tomorrow, to watch the ups and downs with a sense of peace beneath, and a sense of humor.  i am still in the learning process here.  this is not happiness either, i am understanding.  this is more, contentment or a sense of inner security.  happiness, these days for me, is about entering my karma and living it out.  i remember this line from six feet under, paraphrasing here, it was something like, “go deeper into the reality of your own life,” when david needed to make an important choice. this is a new learning for me, as i am seeing the role fantasy has played in my psyche to support avoidance, which at the root, looks like self sabotage.  it’s all very tricky.  we are all tricking the hell out of ourselves in this realm.  some more than others.  some not.  me, a lot.  but right now, the tricks are revealing themselves and vanishing.  i am ready.  distortion and correction, a theme.  today, the moon is in aquarius, that must be why i am compelled to categorize my healing process into fixed ideas that serve as a model for growth.  it may also be why i am wearing cherry red and turquoise.  i am aware of how i am also, talking myself into a new way of being.  sometimes i zoom out so far, all i see is a yapping human reinventing beliefs, even if none of them matter, and all that matters, is love.  i zoom back in, and find richness in the particular stories, and their need to be told.  the polarity is actually a braid, that makes a rainbow…or something along these lines.  finis.