grad school friday…

today was a weird day.  i applied to graduate school today.  not sure if i will be admitted, or if this is the right school for me, but i did it, and it felt really good.  now i am in a tennis match between schools.  both are in seattle.  i just keep not wanting to leave.  i feel solid about grad school, and i will follow what i feel solid about.  doing something for my future.  taking a new direction.  changing of the guards.  costume switch.  getting on the ball.  today proved i still got it in me.  i worked on my application all day, morning till late afternoon, not stopping to eat, shower, or do anything else but focus.  getting in the zone like that, adhering to a deadline, using my brain, thinking deeply, it all stimulated me in such a positive way.  there’s a negative undercurrent.  a lack of trust in myself.  a fear of making the wrong decision.  i see it clearly.  it stems from the past, and mistakes i made.  not being ready for grad school.  not yet at the place of strength and clarity i feel today.  after talking to my friend this evening, i realize, i can trust myself now, and it’s ok to take the plunge again.  committing to school is the same thing as having a long term relationship.  it requires dedication, awareness, focus.  there are the joyous moments and hard times.  you make compromises and sacrifices.  it leads you a a certain future.  you become a new person.  you form bonds that you will never forget.  it’s a big deal.  i am ready for it.  craving every aspect.  aware of what the challenges are.  anxious to be knee deep in my learning process.  i am anxious for the future to be now too.  i get like that, once i am ready.  four steps ahead of myself.  tenacious and unstoppable.  the negative part of me sears with doubt, fears being wrong, worries about those i love, finds ways to avoid and think the worst will arrive.  i see my shadow clearly.  not judging.  not engaging.  watching.  with love…