with this awareness, she is fed…

woke up this morning, hearing something in another apartment, and in the half awake state, thought it was my mom in the kitchen grinding beans.  when i realized it’s just me, i felt sorrow.  though once up, my routine took over and i got over it.  there’s a peace to being alone too.  dreamed all night about moving to missoula, colorado, and other snowy places for grad school.  maybe cause my friend mentioned colorado to me last night, and i have a pull there.  hadn’t thought about moving somewhere random.  thought those days are over.  still feel seattle but still cannot tell if it’s nostalgia or truth.  read for many clients last night and a theme streamed through them.  illusions crashing.  having an adventurous spirit.  courage.  coming out of the comfort zone.  seeing things for what they truly are.  this is a tower year, but also a monkey year, so the crashing of old realities doesn’t have to be harsh.  i feel like osiris cut into thirteen pieces right now.  i don’t like not working, either.  i miss having a busier schedule.  i also feel content to let go of being an artist by profession.  it’s weird. the identity is sliding off avalanche style.  i simply don’t need it to be my striving profession anymore.  creativity will never stop coursing through me.  what i do for money does not need accolades for that.  i feel relieved.  if you said i would go through this a year ago, i would have laughed, unbelieving.  illusions crashing feels like that.  you cannot see till you see.  a mini-crisis ensued right before hand.  or, a resistance storm.  but then poof, i saw everything differently.  how we identify ourselves truly creates our perception of reality.  relationships are another story.  i still “can’t figure out” why i am continually alone and unhappy with my personal life.  it’s not in my control, is how it feels.  keep focusing on the good things.  friends, and love abound.  it’s all about our childhoods.  how i live now is exactly how i felt as a child.  cared for but alone, in my own universe.  back then though, i was more alone, more afraid, and not so happy about life.  these days, it feels as if the skeleton of that child is still beneath the appearance of my life.  so maybe there’s just more illusions to crash here too.  the past is not in the past.  it’s in our daily behavior, how we relate to others, how we identify ourselves.  the past is right up in the present, and it’s up to us, what we will do with it.  i am going to take that isolated little kid and bring her into the nurturing life she needs, somehow.  with she fed, i will have so much more to give…