symbiosis and 33…

when my friend left at 5 am this morning, i cried my eyes out.  in just a few days we melded into symbiosis, and i liked it.  made me realize how much i desire a partner, even though i continually let that desire go, because you cannot hunt for love.  i appreciate friendship symbiosis though, and damian is just like me in how we flow.  plenty of independence and freedom to be ourselves, while at the same time, naturally waking up and going to sleep at the same time, and walking through life together, with ease.  he lightens me up, i deepen him.  it’s always been that way with us, never changes.  i hope for this in a partnership, whenever it comes into my life.  realize i don’t want to be overly symbiotic, where everything is a “we” and i stop seeing my friends unless with my partner.  but i also love the we-ness.  it’s always in the middle, with everything.  balance balance balance.  i cried when he left because i already missed him the moment he closed the door, but also because the symbiosis was gone.  i was once again installed into loneliness.  a particular stem of loneliness that derives from doing life alone for many years, when it’s not my nature.  lets just say i got plenty of character from going against my grain all these years.  i know, for as much as i need to build my life purpose into the world in a new way, i also hope the creature me can find some security in the ten of pentacles kind of way.  home, family, legacy.  is it possible?   i can feel my brain not believing, and my heart down on her scraped knees, asking the sun to deliver.  keep seeing 33 everywhere.  it’s my life path number and it means self sacrifice, so when i see it, i don’t know if i get to have what i want.  maybe i am here for others only, and i need to wake up to that?  seems so extreme though.  if that were me, i’d have guru karma, and i don’t.  wake up more to sacrificing for others, feels more accurate, less intense.  what does it mean, to truly embrace the hanged man?  to fully surrender to a destiny chosen before i was born?   i don’t want to get too high or too low.  a new sense of joy percolates in my bones, that has nothing to do with emotional rises.  this is the key to surrendering.  funny how, in one life, i have been hurt, healed, and matured, and then i will age, decay, and die.  rise and fall, each one of us does.  some quick, others slow, some tragic, others with glory…and everything in between.  our human stories.  my desire is to make the rise and fall roll gently like waves in an equanimous sea, verses rollercoaster rides that are born from emotional reactivity.  crying, laughter, feelings, i feel them all, but at the same time, react to life knowing that who i am, ever so briefly, is not dependent on circumstances or relationships.  my well being is nobody’s fault or responsibility.  love is a sun inside my heart, that radiates no matter what.  well….i guess it’s time to put my sneakers on.  i forgot that gay bar drinks are like three drinks rolled into one, and now my head aches.  gonna jog it off…