fork in the road, hanging with mercury…

now it’s up in the air again.  or i am at a fork in the road, still.  i keep thinking i have made a choice, only to realize i haven’t.  mercury just went retrograde, so it makes sense to not make a decision until it’s over after the 25th.  seattle, vegas, some places else?  cards are looking strong for vegas right now, and they get me thinking, as the cards do, being doors to the deeper emotions.  i love seattle, yet i am not really nurtured here. it’s really expensive, most of my friends have settled into relationships and not around much, i don’t have a car, i live in a somewhat shabby building.  what am i holding on to?  kind of reminds of new york, how i loved the city but did not seem to grow there.  i grow here in seattle, a lot actually, but what is missing about seattle, is the creature happiness.  it feels like all soul work here, all inner reflection, and realizations.  vegas, although…well…vegas, might provide more creature happiness being near my folks, getting a nicer home for cheaper, and who knows, maybe i would find a partner there, and maybe he’d be more solid and present and in a place in life where he wants to give…not so dualistic, emotionally unavailable, and self centered, as i keep finding here.  i am ready to enter a more solid, present, giving life cycle…after years of healing and living for a dream that was not meant to be at this time.  i want to feel a sense of the long term, even if it can all go away in a second.  but i question that desire too, cause i have always lived like a tibetan prayer flag, a gypsy, a wanderer concerned with the soul, not the physical so much.  the brain is incapable of knowing new happiness, it can only search for past references, so i am not gonna over think it.  just reflecting, as mercury asks me to do.  my friend leaves in the early morning and i will have tons of alone time again to feel it all out, and see the truth.  just like in vegas when i saw a certain truth about my purpose, i will here too, about where i am supposed to live next.  i feel trusting.  my apartment, no matter what, is move ready.  i have hardly any stuff left in it.  this feels good.  after so many moves, i am an expert on getting what needs to be done, done in increments.  and it’s possible i don’t make a move till spring as well.  the future is changing fast, this i know for sure, but how fast, can’t tell.  ready for the ride.