mud ball to pearl blog…

sitting at a cafe in the morning, like i used to do, because my electricity went bonkers and i needed outlets.  i like it.  being out of the house right away.  i always work better among other people, in public.  life is doing all it can to gently remove me from my routine and my comfort zones, preparing me for change.  this is how i am perceiving everything right now.  beneath lurks an anxiety snake, that wants to convince me that life is trying to harm and destroy me right now.  i see him.  hello anxiety snake, not gonna feed you any rodents.  gonna feed the nurturing snake instead.  life is nurturing me out of a four year routine, a four year design, and well, just four years.  new home and school on the rise.  in seattle, pretty sure.  unless vegas calls the intuition once more and beckons me back.  there are other options but they feel watered down, such as portland, anne arbor, or missoula.  seattle, i am so in love with you right now.  even with your cold rainy side.  to love, you gotta love the good and the bad, the mundane and the profound.  not just what pleases, but also what sucks royally.  coming into the north node is so hard.  i keep dipping into a south node sense of emotional helplessness that is not real.  triggered by change.  watching the south node too, like the grass the anxiety snake is slithering through.  what also is interesting about right now, is the presence of damian being here.  i feel so thankful.  his reassurance feels truly angelic.  we are on parallel paths.  got parallel anxiety too.  oh the comfort of similarity.  we are different as much as the same.  he is the light hearted, zany rabbit, bringing that out in me.  i am the deep and essence distilling rat, bringing that out in him.  too bad he is gay and i am straight, otherwise we’d be a couple, no doubt.  oh well.  life likes to create more challenges than that.  love is supposed to be hard.  i am surrendered to that.  not needless suffering that stems from polarized thinking stemming from oppression of the shadow…but more like, hard in order to turn the mud ball into a pearl.  love is like a mud ball turning into a pearl….