the new impetus…

back on the hill, and in a cafe, while my friend rests at home.  feeling a bit lost today, or like, my energy is a plug looking for an outlet that is hiding, or not around.  starting to miss my routine.  we were talking over breakfast in pike place market, gazing out onto the puget sound, about routines, how they confine but are also needed.  was conveying how necessary it is for me to keep up with yoga, wear my stones, get outdoors, write, create…that if any portion slacks, i fall apart.  maybe entropy is the right word.  i can feel entropy happening in my personality right now, as if my routine keeps me glued together.  he said there’s not a lot of joy right now, and it’s all about rolling with the punches.  i can feel this too.  doing what is right and fighting something deep inside that wants to reenact the same old show.  we were so light, then things got heavy again.  in breath.  out breath.  it’s all the same.  it’s all the same.  allow the feelings to course through.  i am seeking inside, i can feel it.  seeking inspiration.  what will i discover when i walk into school to talk to somebody about programs?  what am i leaving behind?  i don’t know if i know.  given up on romantic love completely, pretty much.  not in a sour way, or actively.  just not looking, not craving.  i put it away.  weary i suppose.  i keep wishing for a casual heart about it all, but that’s just not me.  at the same time, i feel so light, but like that plug without an outlet.  the comfort zone is heavy.  i wont give into it.  cause to be honest, light is really what i feel.  sure, things are serious right now.  we are trying to do things different.  we are wanting completion.  there’s no way to get off this ferris wheel of making meaning out of life.  we are human.  there are no quick solutions.  there is no perfect answer.  i am not interested in worship, pedestals, super highs or detrimental lows, externalizing god, giving my power away, living in a fantasy, having defenses, focusing on the negative, repeating the past, designing websites, writing alone in a silent room.  i want humanity and the city and the pulse and the movement and the vital experience of exploring the deep inner reaches of what we are all capable of.  i don’t know what this means.  i don’t know anything but the impetus.