the return of a rich mind and notes on identity…

the morning of the day of my departure.  was a mess of sorrow last night about it, and about the overwhelming responsibilities of my own future, alongside the feeling of overwhelm for the world’s problems…but i saw it, recognized my dip into the negative, it’s a family trait on both sides, and we can call it out in one another.  joke about it too.  my mom put a comic up on the fridge about the character being so negative, that he sucks the light right out of the room.  it’s my dna shadow.  the resolution?  hot tea, a light hearted movie, and a flourite mala.  in an hour the humor and optimism returned.  much better than the olden days, when a negative storm could last a while, leaving me withdrawn, avoidant, escapist.  thankful those days are over.  having a good cry is always replenishing too.  my mom likes to say, “don’t cry,” and i do my best for her sake.  for me, crying is a wonderful bodily release.  though i understand how many people are afraid of crying, and respect it.  i suppose i cannot take for granted my understanding of feelings, and practice of emotional health.  it’s a gift, and a well learned practice that’s taken hard work over the years.  slowly, as i allow myself to recognize this and find beauty in it, i can let go of the false images of what it means to be a healer.  i tend to get caught up in image.  so much teasing and crappy reactivity to therapists, healers, and the like, through the media and general consensus.  i get put off by it, not wanting to be what i am.  it’s a libran thing.  libra pays attention to being well liked.  it’s superficial at first glance, but take a closer look, and it’s just like every other deeply rooted insecurity, wearing its particular costume.  the astrological archetypes play a role in shaping our personalities, along with our conditioning…though many don’t believe in the reality of unconscious archetypes being a real thing.  i experience it, and so it is real for me.  in the eastern-wisdom vein, and in the vein of embracing both…i also take time to shed the archetypal and conditioned stories that shape me, by watching them and knowing they are only a layer of existence.  deeper than the distinctive traits, is a core, like a sun, that shines through.  this inner sun is oneness, and my version of what god is.  god is everything.  god is nature itself, housed as every living being from human to lobster to cell to rock to weed….not a separate entity that created life from afar.  i have a myth that shows how this occurs, but i see it as myth, not literally.  nature speaks to how the particular form is able to listen and understand.  i am unsure why these past few days, i feel like stressing my viewpoint so heavily.  oh wait, yes, i do.  cause i’m practicing getting back into this language, in order to prepare for a certain future.  staying focused on the target, which for someone like me, is the balance.  anyhow, i feel mental richness returning, after a week of not feeling too mental at all, besides the usual chatter.  it feels good.  i enjoy the mind.  go crazy without long in depth analysis, pondering, discussing, writing, researching, laughing, making jokes, coming up with stories and ideas.  must have it, or life just feels blah and boring.  we all have out preferences….