clarity soup it is…

vegas is always clarity soup.  always.  it’s the desert.  and it’s the clean serene home of my parents.  i still don’t know what is next, but i am learning.  first thing’s first.  pentacles.  money, body, stability, thriving.  why is it so hard to change?  cause we resist being new people.  if i commit to something that serves an aspect i have always felt inadequate to take care of…i might balance out an over inflated aspect, that’s sick of itself.  i might stop growing like an inside out t-shirt.  i might stop being really great at something i don’t enjoy.  these are just thoughts.  words.  ideas.  trying to remain open.  yoda says there is no try, only do.  i call bullshit.  there sure is a try.  trying is doing, but not doing it very well.  trying new responses to see if i can learn to do them well.  new ways to be.  new understanding.  i feel like such a lone island right now, but i don’t feel lonely or scared of it.   sometimes you gotta work something out all by yourself, and nobody can relate to it but yourself.  sometimes you have to school your own soul, be realistic about the choices and what results they bring.  like i was telling him about us, i was telling myself about me, the domino effect of how wisdom applies…it’s not a big deal to mess up, so go ahead and find a practical solution that brings you to the middle.  avoid the extremes.  and if you mess up, rely on your equanimity.  if you cannot rely on that, throw up a defense mechanism.  no biggie.  life is not that serious.  when it becomes too serious, that’s when the balance is thrown off, violence emerges, fanaticism takes hold.  i don’t choose that.  i choose the middle, i choose balance, i choose a light heart to shine upon my deep soul, and i choose change.  wouldn’t mind a change of internal scenery.  nothing i have built up can leave again.  god, my jog this morning was heavenly.  it’s freezing and raining in seattle, but sunny and warm here in vegas.  nevertheless, maybe i wont be leaving seattle after all.  i know, i am a back and forth machine right now.  it’s pretty ridiculous.  an annoying flaw in my matrix.  so be it.  we all have our flaws.  another weird thing is, now that i am realizing new stuff, my appetite is hardly present.  not much of a desire for what i was ravenous for up in seattle just days before.  let’s face it, nothing sticks….well, except love.