hi. i feel crazy. all of this rain and grey, day after day, is bringing on some deep lucidity. rarely do i know what day it is. i feel out of time. seeing things out of the corner of my eye. the effects of constant rain on the brain, could be a good study. i miss the sun so much. i look forward to living with the sun year round, be it vegas or florida. i can see the effects being beautiful. successful. happy. i am so simple that way. the weather truly shapes my personality. so lately, there’s this fly living with me. i just named him fred, because as a kid, i named all flies fred. i decided to name him because i am not going to kill him, and it’s very noticeable when you live in a studio, if another entity is around. i hear him buzzing right now. feeling mother earth strongly. maybe it’s the tree agate i have been wearing. passed it on last night, must get a new one. feeling connected to every living thing in mother earth’s kaleidoscope. sense of humor is rising in my blood. pulling myself out of the muck. just cannot be the brooding scorpio anymore. the costume doesn’t fit. was talking about yoga yesterday with ruby. so much deepening is happening. no longer am i doing it for exercise reasons. the focus has shifted. i realized after the third sun salutation, that suddenly my spirit takes over my body, and i go into a meditative place. a trance of sorts. one day, it wont feel like a trance. spirit taking over body will be the norm. spirit is the breath. animal is the body. breath is what makes the body come alive, yet the body is already a complex system, made by spirit’s design. body reacts. body feels justified to get angry at people who cause harm, for example. it’s only spirit that can transcend and transform body’s reactivity, providing control and restraint over this reactivity. this is how i have learned to have compassion and forgiveness for those who harmed me, including myself. this is how, even with the hitlers of the world, i can avoid calling them evil, or spitting hate….but instead, give unconditional love and send healing energy into the shadow. it makes no sense to the animal alone. animal relies on spirit. our world tries to cultivate spirit, or breath, through religions, but often these institutions turn corrupt. you cannot really preach love, you have to live it. to live it, you must experience it, and to experience it, you must have a practice. this is why i do yoga. to be able to let go and accept the hardship and harsh of life, all of the abuse, all of the pain and disappointment, all of the death and decay of this realm. also, to be able to feel joy for no reason other than being alive. and to give my best loving self to my friends, family, humanity, partner…to be a shining beacon no matter what hell i am traversing through. this is alchemy and i love it. life is beautiful….