less effort, more devotion…

the sky is pale and rain is whimpering out from the opaqueness.  soon i will be waking up to blue skies every morning.  soon i wont greet these buildings anymore.  family becomes more important than ever.  ready to take health to a whole new level.  and surrendering to true love.  he will come when he comes.  i give up.  whether it’s my defenses, walls, or resonance blocking…or if it’s his his…or it’s timing and place, i don’t know…and i release control.  ready to devote deeper to my yoga practice.  meaning, i am ready to reduce the effort, and increase the devotion.  i think this is the mantra: release effort, increase devotion, and it goes for everything in my life.  the whole thing about effort feels flimsy, when contrasted against the hot bright light of my devotion.  so aware on a palpable level, of my limited time with this body, the limited time of the bodies i love, and of the detriment of allowing the meaning mind creates from fear of loss, to have any form of control over my actions and desires.  a new me births through this awareness.  she is lighter, on all levels.  she used to spend many years digging into her past, her ancestry, her pain…unearthing the maps of meaning, and discovering her reasons for living.  then the sea washes the writing in the sand clean. 

love is all that remains.  talking in third person sometimes brings a little bit of space, you know?  got this raging headache, second day in a row. 

i’ve had two really long talks with different friends about polyamory recently.  i realize that i am mentally for it, as it seems evolved to not possess sexual love or reduce to just one, if that’s what you wanna do.  thing is with me though, i don’t want to in my heart, even if my mind thinks it’s better.  i only have room for one.  one takes up so much space, time, energy, i could not imagine fitting two or more in there, as far as intimacy goes.  and sex without love bores me, i have no interest…been there done that bought the t-shirt.  the older i get the less i feel the need for experimentation…the more i seek a partner in crime, best friend, and man i can feel intimacy with, where one life time does not feel like enough.  the luxury of more, feels depleting.  i don’t want a handful, nor do i want to juggle, or work the politics.  this is just me and my style…but for the record, i wanna say, polyamory is awesome for those whose temperaments match it.  in all areas, bacchus is taking a back seat these days…and there’s this gratitude opening up inside. 

not the sugar coated version either.  more the kind that’s aware of how quickly health, love, money, anything, can be gone.  just like that. 

the focus doesn’t feel like it did in my youth, where freedom was the thing i needed the most.  this realm we all live in, is far from freedom…it’s such a far off goal for our human race.  now, my desire is to love with this hot bright devotion, myself, my work, my family, my friends, humanity, this earth.  this is freedom on the inside.  love is the only thing that makes me feel limitless, as i accept the challenges, karma, and restrictions of this reality.  embracing saturn.  not resistant to what hurts.  able to travel all the way into the very center of the underworld, with an open heart.  to face what limits.  i feel the desert waking up in my soul.  a gaze that can look out into endless possibilities, but still only choose one, at the expense of all the others.  this is desert wisdom.  not hung up on what i never had.  that kiss.  an innocent childhood.  being like everybody else.  having a cush job and a flat tummy.  it’s a weird relief.  the rebellion is stronger than ever.  uranus.  but it’s not for the youthful or sensual as a means to put the flag into my identity.  it’s a rebellion against anything taking my eyes of the target of love.  i see only the center.  my aim is impeccable.  but i am not out to impress.  i am here to be a force to be reckoned with. 

all encompassing love as iron, strawberries, water, arms, awareness…  fervent mastery of an oceanic heart fueling the windy thoughts and making this warm body walk and talk another day.  even with the raging headache…