facing the new…

change.  how ready are you for it?  how sudden will it happen?  how different will it be than what you pictured in your mind?   how much of your identity is wrapped up in this idea of who you are, in your mind.  what if life decides differently?  where do you make choices from?  what is your priority?  what do you value?  do you use negative self talk as a way to shirk out of responsibility, accountability, intimacy, and love?  do you sugar coat your defensiveness in order to keep hiding your fear of loss?  just a few questions.  i am realizing so much.  realizing what is valuable to me.  as well as an older version of me dying off.  what do i value?  wisdom, creativity, family, friends, healing, transformation, love.  that pretty much sums it up.  movement too.  seems this gypsy soul will continue on.  i am a turtle, and my shell is home, not any four walls.  not a certain place on the earth.  seattle has been home.  vegas has been home.  missoula has been home.  new york city has been home.  san francisco, santa fe, eugene, and portland were all places i lived that did not feel like home, even if i liked them.  homes shift and change, even though my loyalty stays the same.  loyal to the ones i love.  it’s funny, i have never gotten the chance to become loyal to a “true love”.  but i am with my friends and family.  nothing budges, and my heart is large enough to give each of them a private resort style suite within its landscape.  and what about me?  what about that capricorn north node?  what does that mean?  i cannot hide behind a family or inside my intense loyal love for others.  must be a leader somehow, and give my gifts, in a fatherly way.  this is always the struggle.  to be a dad and not a mom.  to teach about boundaries, logic, reason, to put a structure upon reality, to define the unconscious motivations, and to bring order to the creative chaos.  like, what a workshop, tarot or astrology reading with me does.  and what my writing attempts to do. i am not the one to bring soup and hold you, telling you it will be ok, and who you are is enough.  i am the one showing you how to understand your projections and how to integrate your shadow back into your heart with forgiveness, helping you to grow.  i am the one saying, you create the meaning, it’s not set in stone.  i am the one reading your soul’s original intent, so you can understand the loss, and learn the lesson.  this is dad stuff.  capricorn stuff.  suppose i do have it dialed in.  i guess it’s just more about money now.  money as energy.  what is my block?  calming down this hyper aint easy.  the desire for control grips like thirst on the tongue.  but i know how it goes.  surrender is the key.  with each powerful decision made from personal truth, comes a sacrifice of what no longer serves, and a new door opens.  not afraid to start at the bottom, or fall a million times, return to a former home, or let go of the fantasies inside.  earth is my teacher a thousand times…