ten millionth ode to feelings…

another soaked morning.  rain hitting the roof and window panes.  sky bright and pale as i peer out, looking like the rain is about to subside.  slept long, after a night of needing to shut down the gates to my deeper self.  watching videos to distract the mind.  it was like i went into overdrive.  could not handle one more sad thing.  and everything seemed so sad.  finally, when i crawled into bed early, and allowed the silence to penetrate, i cried…reminding myself to not be afraid of feelings, as they are just feelings.  and these days, i prefer to feel them without having to explain myself.  such as right before bed.  it worked on clearing my head, cause i dreamed about being true to my path last night.  was on some kind of tour with my parent’s cat, promoting myself, bohemian style, which means-on very little money…and i kept worrying about everybody’s drinks showing up on my bill, as they were well-to-do, and i did not want to disappoint them.  at the end of my dream, i said out loud something i can’t remember now, but it was a clear statement about staying true blue to the artist path.  my friend visiting reminded me that the last time i attempted to stray, i broke my ankle.  so all in all, i return, and remain true to what provides no guarantee, or even satisfaction.  but what it does provide, is a clear conscience, and a full heart.  maybe i am not very good at making money, having romantic relationships, or climbing some elusive ladder, but i am good at devotion and being the leader of my own life.  i’ll get there and there is nowhere to get.  i’ll get there, and even if i don’t, death comes to relieve me of the burden of trying.  i’ll get there cause i am already there.  i got one part covered.  now if only i could bring joy and laughter to those i love, who are suffering.  if only i could share my bed with an equal in sacred intimacy.  if only i could wake up the world.  if only i could be clear on this next book.  if only could do tripod headstand.  if only the killing would stop.  if only religion would take its right place as love.  may we all transform.  may i hold a light in the darkness.  may i admit my flaws.  may i trust the falls.  and most importantly…may acceptance for life penetrate my bones.  acceptance does not mean you don’t cry or feel anger.  it simply means, you don’t resist what is happening, so that you can feel your real feelings, and not push them down into the unconscious with gratitude, affirmations, logic, medication, or any other trick to try to make uncomfortable feelings vanish, so only the ones that involve smiles appear.  half of life needs loving attention.  have no fear of the feelings.  drop the perfectly wrapped reasons.  be vulnerable and messy, cause….that’s what life is.