ramble from athena…

i’m such an athena at heart.  you’d think for the mystical, soft hearted, sensitive soul i am, that i wouldn’t be.  but i am realizing that the two actually go together.  you can feel everything at high volume, sensitive to the pain of all your brother and sisters of earth, and still see the objective reality that underlines the emotional reality that wishes to see what it wants to see.

by no means do i wish to invalidate feelings.  i am the queen of feelings.  you just need to understand how to use them.  feelings tell you a certain truth.  and mind tells you a certain truth.  i guess what i mean is….that every magical synchronicity that occurs in my life, is still magical, even though i am the one subscribing meaning to it.

for example…i remember once, being in love with this guy.  we dated for a handful of months, spent all our time together.  anyhow, i decided one day, upon hearing the song on my jog, that “for your eyes only” was our song, cause that’s how he made me feel.  then a bunch of shitty stuff happened.  we left one another’s scene for a bit.  when we had our reunion, sitting in a restaurant, “for your eyes only” poured through the speakers.  of course it spoke to my feelings and i took it as a sign we were meant to be.  turned out the complete opposite of that.

now i see, in retrospect, that the song came on by magical synchronicity, but not to give me an objective sign that this guy was “the one”…but to accentuate the meaning i was creating around it, so that i could learn what happens when i fall for somebody who treats me badly.

this is the athena part i have grown into over the years.  i see though the illusions of meaning i created in order to feel a sense of happiness and security.  now, i have let go and moved on.  “meant to be” is a subscribed meaning, made by an individual.  it is not an objective reality.  the truth of feelings is to tell you the truth about how you feel.  sounds redundant, but it’s actually a very important message, because so many people, including myself, tend toward turning feelings reality into objective reality.

the objective reality is that life is being life, we are all doing a bunch of stuff and making meaning from it.  at the same time, meaning is making us.  both.  meaning making us is very mysterious and vast, something you feel….but it doesn’t translate into some fixed mental idea, such as “we are meant to be in the ultimate court of reality that exists outside of myself.”

this is my frustration with the new age and all spirituality.  i say this, as somebody who is a mystic, healer, spiritual guide…i mean, i am steeped in this stuff….and maybe that’s why it frustrates me so much.  for, the way we subscribe meaning to lovers is the same way we give meaning to the divine.

the athena part in me understands that as humans with poetic hearts and complex brains, our nature is to create meaning from the meaning creating us…or in other words, to create an internal life (which is the mental idea, story, perception, myth) that reflects the external life we a born as and into.  our stories truly are our treasures.  yet i feel like it’s important to keep them flexible and not fixed…perhaps that’s my impetus here…

that there is no fixed mental meaning in objective reality.  the subjective mental meaning we give is beautiful if kept flexible and open to change and evolve.  what we know about objective reality is that it is always growing, birthing, dying, decaying, evolving, etc.  objective reality is a verb.  nothing static exists in the reality we open our eyes into, and to assume it does after we die is an internal story or myth that i no longer have any use for.

hence, maybe a true love may be done being a true love at a certain point, too.  this whole idea of death do we part, is utterly fixed.  why stay if you’ve fallen out of love?  i am not talking about the natural ebb and flow of the feeling of being in love, or taking relationships too lightly or superficially, there is that too…but there is also a real thing, when you have transcended a certain type of relationship.

our institutionalized cultural ideas of present, do not allow for this without implying a deep sense of shame being felt.  nobody should be made to feel guilty or wrong for wanting out of anything they feel truly done with, due to a fixed idea or ritual…in my opinion.

or what about when the way you relate to the divine changes?  you once were religious and then you grow past religion.  you once were atheist and then start feeling the divine in your heart.  a change in a spiritual relationship is just as powerful as the romantic sort.  we can be free to move, transform, transcend.  the meaning we create can remain supple.

this is the athena part in me…that feels objective truth in the mental understanding that all meaning we give to anything is a living verb making sense of our value system at the time, not a static noun living outside of our being.  due to the nature of being human, the meanings we create are never literal,  but can only be expressed through the human lens of perception.  this does not dimmish the divine, it only accentuates that the divine is a verb too.

all this being said, my inner truth makes it so i can not really look into a man’s eyes and tell him we will be together forever, and that we are written in the stars.  it sort of makes marriage obsolete, though if i did it, i would do it as “for long as we both want to stay” verses death parting.

it also means that the divine is felt solid in my heart as real, but to my mind, remains a deep mystery i can only comprehend through the feelings and values of love, compassion, acceptance, integrity, forgiveness, and honesty.

it also means everything in the physical realm is temporary, and subject to change, right up until my very death of the body.  many would think that this meaning is depressing.  that to feel happy i must dwell in the idea of the eternal.  but in all actuality, i feel invigorated by the temporal nature of things, including my own life as michelle.  i feel more empowered in my will, knowing i am creating meaning that is changeable and therefor i feel more personally responsible, and careful to do what is loving.

yet i also feel the meaning of life creating me, and it does feel eternal, not as michelle, but in a broader more comforting sense… it’s a safe cozy feeling i cannot not put words to, but feel held by.  i take my life seriously because it’s short and time is limited….and i laugh and take life light because i know i am dancing in the illusions of my meanings that are created by my feelings and thoughts, as i work out karma on nature’s wheel of evolution.

being athena at heart feels right for now, though i am open for that to change at any moment…