yesterday i had a melt down and recovered. strayed from a truth in my heart, and recovered. wanted to give up, and recovered. in all of my falling and getting back up i learned two things: i need to commit, focus, and do it, taking the good with the bad…and…i cannot abandon my inside direction, no matter how hard it is to follow. recommitted for the forty millionth time, yet this time around, a workable plan emerges. now i just need out of this analytical rut. realizing that moving may not be the best thing right now. strange, but…i am enjoying the hill again, and i am also cherishing my place again. the view, the amount of space, all of the magic i have infused into these walls. being able to walk to everything everywhere. and the roots i have planted here…it’s supportive for me right now, with these constant bouts of feeling really alone. right timing will make the move come when it’s meant to be. and changes are still being made. my heart calms down. laughing with archy on skype, about our forties lot. nostalgia for the olden days, kept silken by memory, but like all things of earth…and this too shall rot. rain is coming down this morning. the sky is a pale grey tinted white. each morning as i look out over the vista of buildings, i feel their mood. today the buildings are keeping secrets. all of the people’s stories held in their walls are whispering what cannot be spoken out loud. it’s one of those saturdays i don’t feel like doing yoga. i don’t feel like exerting effort. i want to waft. walk in the rain. wander around with no agenda, no tendency toward pleasure or pain. i will do my practice anyhow. maybe different this morning. allowing flow in. maybe do it to hip hop instead of krishna das. maybe dance in between the asanas. to get out of a rut, you gotta do different things. light up the purple unicorn she gifted me, and sing. can you tell i am trying hard to not sink in to the momentum of dissolution that wishes to overtake me? learning in this life, by the way it wound up being designed, how to be one hundred percent self motivating and self generating, in every area. like a boss.