old girl over,animal roaring…

in a way, i am having a mid life crisis.  it’s the uranus opposing uranus transit.  my friend explained it well…it’s a time to tear down the old house and build a new one.  lasts two to four years.  happens in the early forties.  everybody goes through it.  some people i suppose, don’t need to rebuild from the ground up, but uranus will be doing something at that time, to tear down what no longer serves, to innovate, and create a stronger individual self that can foster the collective.  anyhow, i am in it and confused, having a crisis of faith, wondering what i need to ditch, identity wise, and what i need to embrace that innovates me.  there are paths.  which one do i take?  everything in my thirties taught me how to commit, how to complete, how to overcome, how to let go, and how to forgive.  i am well prepared.  but now, i don’t know what i am building.  i think i do, commit hard, then i doubt myself, and change ideas.  it’s like a roulette wheel of insanity.  all the while i crave human touch on this primal level.  to be held…the affection, the merging.  also, to be guided, and to walk through life with somebody.  very creature.  and i can only honor the creature now, because the need is so palpable, that my mind cannot overcome it.  or maybe i could, if i allowed myself to deepen my spiritual practice in this way…yet i am not feeling it is my path to go monk.  i feel it is my path to achieve balance between animal and spirit, and to find peace and joy being a female body.  at least this much i know.  i also know love.  but that’s about it right now.  sure, strong visions stream through, but what do they really mean?  jordan peterson said new agers don’t know how to think critically.  many don’t, agreed.  but i am thinking super critically about what streams into my brain from the astral plane.  i don’t take my visions literally, and i don’t find refuge in them either.  these visions, they are fodder.  it’s hard though, being an existentialist critical thinker on one hand, and a mystic channeler on the other.  my lot.  i am contemplating how to move forward, in this liminal space i created for myself since september…and now i respect this space more than ever, as i understand that time is needed for me to make the proper choices.  the impulsiveness of the past is gone.  that girl is over.  becoming new is scary even for me, who clings to almost nothing.  what’s so scary about it?  the unknown is scary to us all.  and…do i even have the right to talk when so much violence and suffering is happening to others?  it’s mind boggling.  i feel my own cognitive dissonance and it hurts hard like a baby falling on asphalt.  jung experienced what i am feeling right before the war.  i feel so akin to him on a soul level.  i wonder if academia is the right place for me after all?  what is truth and what is illusion?  feels like being alice. feels like i am walking through a hall of mirrors.  gotta go for a jog now, wash away this storm inside.  the sky is semi-blue this morning, and the clouds are moving fast, so alive.  fresh air, mother earth, nature, i feel you as me, more than ever before.  i am animal, hear me roar….