cancer moon feelings from the shire…

haven’t blogged in a few days, very out of character for me.  but i have been on a journey to portland, absorbed in the cancer moon, friendship, and satisfying the animal, tempering my mind.  though this morning i feel it return, the mental activity.  the desire…or need rather…to write the myth, prepare for the class i am teaching, draw a picture, and well, basically live a large portion of my life from the mind, both right and left sides.  i see why, and it’s a shadow reason, which is helpful cause i am preparing for a class on delving into the underworld.  i see it clear as day, which sometimes the cancer moon can provide, because the heart is more alive with tenderness during this moon.  i see how disappointment is, and always has been, my impetus to all intellectual and creative activity.  because my physical life mirrors for me, this sorta, endless sense of pain, and i deal with it by transforming pain into art, wisdom, writings, workshops, etc.  it’s for sure, the impetus.  how meant to be, it feels, on a deeper more esoteric level than doing things cause they make me happy or whatever.  yesterday we went to the portland art museum and i was blown away by their collection.  the ache to paint emerged like a loud beast.  i am happiest when painting, and writing.  so wait a minute…even if pain is the impetus, happiness is the result?  if the physical world continually disappoints, and the creative world continually pleases, which one will i learn to value more?  it’s all so friggen biological, but i am truly ok with this now.  coming into the body has actually brought peace, not war.  it does not need to be more than this.  and it’s not all pain in the physical, either.  there’s a bunch of awesomeness too.  there are just two certain shadow threads that sew themselves through my physical life (at this point, it used to be much worse)…and these two threads on the dominance hierarchy are pretty large threads…it is natural for me to feel the way i do.   i am ok with it.  this is my life.  this is how the michelle character is playing out.  it’s not a numbness to pain i feel, or even putting a shell around it,  nor is it an avoidance through gratitude, or some other version of counterfeit spiritual pollyanna.  it’s just an acceptance, a deep acceptance, for the way that pain hurts, and the way it is am impetus to my life purpose.  this is all i can say…