longer than usual talk from the scales…

what a crazy night of dreaming.  don’t want to share the dreams here, it’s too much.  but i will share the first one, cause it was funny.  i was in san francisco, met this woman, and we became fast friends.  she then told me she was kim carnes, the woman who sang the mega-hit, “betty davis eyes”.  i did not believe her at first, but she said she was being serious.  next it became this funny dialogue.  me asking her famous people questions apologetically, and she not minding.  in fact, by the end she was singing that song in the alley way at the top of her lungs, with the same scratchy voice she was known for.  weird.  random.  it was after that the dreams turned mega-dark in a direction i cannot go into here.  when i woke up i had to repeat what happened out loud, before getting out of bed, to retain the memory.  anyhow, last night i taught the justice workshop.  while my crew was giving one another readings, i was getting nowhere with the cards on my own.  or maybe, justice was telling me that things are gonna be confusing and anxiety-producing for a bit here.  do you feel it?   what is the right relationship, livelihood, spirituality, education, etc?  there needs to be courage to walk away from what it is not working, and clarity on what isn’t working, in order to enter the unknown, where what you know, you don’t know anymore.  though sometimes life tosses you into the unknown without your volition.  not many people take the hero’s journey by choice.  i do.  i am the hero, i marry the hero, i live the hero, i die the hero.  feeling a deep sense of trust and faith in myself, and when self doubt rises, i know exactly what it is.  in the visualization portion of the class, i went deep, connecting with a mythological story, past life, representation of a seven fundamental biological systems, a star system, whatever you want to call it…feeling more deeply that all is within me.  in our culture we are taught to seek happiness outside, to find it in others, money, success, etc.  as jordan peterson eloquently states better than i ever could, it’s the dominance hierarchy at work, a system billions of years old, way older than humans, and it’s lasted this long, because it works, it’s brilliant.  on the human level, the dominance hierarchy creates those who are at different places upon it, determining their happiness levels, happy being those probably like above middle to top, and less happiness below the middle to the bottom, expressed in those basic biological functions that root back to breeding, of which i am not going to get into here (watch his you tube lectures, they are friggen amazing).  true clinical depression is when you have a good place on the d.h. and you still feel depressed.  but when you don’t have good standing on the d.h., than it’s not depression you suffer from, it’s just a bad life.  hallelujah, somebody said it.  when i first went into therapy as a young teen, i tried to tell my therapists this, that is was my life making me unhappy, not me on the inside, not my self esteem.  they would not let it go.  being young and impressionable, i wound up getting brainwashed over the years by their therapeutic doctrine, and i fucked myself up so much more on the inside.  in fact, spending ten years in therapy and on meds worsened me, acutely…even if i did gain objective clarity about how my life was operating.  i was an ultra sensitive child, dealing with very painful situations, but by no means did i suffer from low self esteem and depression…until my early twenties, when believing i was sick for so long got me sick.  interesting that when i quit the five psyche meds i was on cold turkey, in one day, i experienced zero with-drawls and no decrease or increase of anything.  i might be an isolated case in terms of the medications, but i know misdiagnosing is common.  there is something to be validated about being biological creatures, honoring the animal, and how the animal finds happiness from the outside world, on the natural hierarchy nature sets up for all of life, to make sure nature keeps existing.  on the other hand, we have spirit, which is nature too, just not measurable with the five senses.  and this natural spirit aspect of us has the ability to transform set systems, within and without, as we see in people overcoming massive life obstacles through the power of their spirit, or will.  this can be argued of course.  but i see in my personal michelle experience…after spending years healing through yoga, working with nature energies, meditating, letting go, and opening my heart, cleaning the mirror of my heart-as krishna das says…how much happier i feel for simply being alive, and for no dominance hierarchy reason.  my spirit, temperament, will, whatever you wanna call it, is tenacious and rebellious by nature, and these traits have fueled my success, which cannot be found on the d.h.  i am at peace with my temporary existence of being a nobody a lot of the time, more than not, and for what it’s worth, this feels to me like coming home, because there’s an entire world within where i discover my riches.  maybe it’s just the luck of being an artist.  not completely sure….but i am a different person today, i have transformed, i am no longer clinically anything, i returned to what i knew when i was twelve, yet more wise and street smart.  it’s really cool.  and the way i see it is, both sides need to be respected, the brilliant dominance hierarchy of nature, ancient and strong…and our equally ancient and strong spiritual natures, that can transform within, even if the d.h. is crappy…much like what emerson talks about in his self reliance essay.  these thoughts are all very new, due to jordan peterson educating me on one side of the libran scales of justice, as krishna das holds down the forte on the other side of the scales….my current external osiris totems, guiding me through the underworld, bringing order to my creative chaos, this myth pouring through, and this rising out of the ashes of the known, into the unknown, because it’s time…