moss on oneness monday…

deep in a creative solitude flow all weekend, walking, realizing, snapping pictures, writing, reading, watching lectures, sleeping long.  letting it out as it comes.  realizations about my psyche connecting to the mythic story, by a golden string, threading the coat of the hero.  i could do this for long periods of time.  i need to.  don’t want my energies scattered by hanging out too much, helping others with their problems too much, working too much in another area for money, or any other reason.  an immediate protective feeling grips my heart, “please life, let this come out of me, through to completion, nothing else matters.”  i know relationships matter too.  it’s just really funny, that as i am in this detached place from others, the myth comes pouring out, as if they cannot coincide, and this feels like my north node twelfth house.  a need for large amount of solitude.  if a partner comes into my life, as i want it to be so, i can only hope he has his own thing to do in the same house, so our solitude can co-exist with harmonious intimacy.  cause i need this so very much.  i recognize how much fear i feel, of losing what i need.  it’s the most natural feeling in the world.  fear of loss is more natural to me, than clinging to what i have.  wait, does that make sense?  i think what i mean is, that i can feel my focus on the negative, as the positive increases.  will just take it to the mat, as they say, and watch the tennis match have it out in the thoughts, while body moves in prayer to life.  inhale, reach up (hope), exhale forward fold (let go).  obsessing over the story can take over the compulsion to focus on what will go wrong.  is this what life will always be like for me?  some of us are very saturated characters, and intense beasts.  i feel everything at high volume, got big appetites, vast vision, deep sight, high contrast of dark and light.  so be it.  each one of us is who we are by a biological design, and what we do with it, may or may not be utilized.  i guess i am feeling the insanity of being housed into a body, a little.  it’s funny.  humans a weird creatures.  everything conceptual, over thousands of years, has become so damn important.  in a way, i believe in nothing, i believe in none of it.  i don’t believe in marriage, in monogamy, in religion, in scientism, in mysticism, in education, on and on.  at the very same time, my body can only handle one lover at a time and seeks to mate for life (or a large chunk of it), i receive mystical visions and intuitions into this body, that the mind never asked for, i crave to always educate myself like a physical thirst for water, observing and analyzing brings a sense of comfort, and imagination makes me grow and expand.  i get it now.  the operations themselves, are the needs of this biological animal, and my animal body’s operations are much older than my mental thoughts…so there’s this constant tension i feel, between hoping for what the mind wishes to manifest by using the biological operations…and what the mind must surrender to, because it is a consequence of a body that is so old, ancient, and wise; it makes thoughts tiny, like…the head on a beer or something.  inhale, exhale.  i create credos to live by, and i release them into the infinite mystery of being.  it’s not an existential crisis because i feel comfort in the sentience of life, in biology which is being, which is alive, and which can never let me go.  i don’t find comfort at all, in a flimsy mental belief that tries to shut out everything that does not fit inside of it.  my desire to love is innate, not created, and within this desire, i rest solid like moss growing on the oneness, i am rooted to love…surrendered to the mystery.  whatever gets lost along the way….get’s lost.  causes, socks, dreams, relationships, ideas.  ok, time to zoom back down to my previously scheduled programs…

ps: during editing this, i realize it might come across that i am trying to minimize the function of thinking.  i don’t mean this.  i only mean to minimize the thoughts themselves…from hard core absolute beliefs, to soft and supple beliefs…as i am wanting to put thinking in its proper place.  i am a lover of thoughts…even if beliefs chafe…