i keep forgetting a title…

sunday morning sunshine saturating the blue air, brightening this ice box apartment.  not too many thoughts, but an overload of feelings.  yesterday was one of those needed saturdays spent alone in creative wandering and production.  too cold to do yoga in the morning, whimped out.  lunch with a friend got me going, highly helped by strong coffee, getting me out for a long walk through the alleys.  passed a homeless man who broke my heart.  when i looked into the eyes, i joined him in the underworld for a moment, and slipped into his loneliness.  took pictures and videos, while having realizations about deception, and saw for the first time, when the root of deception was born, becoming one of the most relevant themes of my life.  you know when you have a realization and suddenly every disparate thought in your brain becomes one big figured out puzzle?  that happened in a tiny moment yesterday between republican and mercer street.  stood on a hilltop corner and allowed the sun to penetrate my third eye, opening visions.  of course these deeper layers of understanding could only come once the intense emotions have been felt and processed over the years.  the opposite of this is denial of emotional expression, which is the root of every neurotic complex.  to feel is what makes us heal.  yet without mental understanding we would not develop the next layers of abstraction.  i am truly seeing how the body is processing information and creating meaning to evolve.  it’s not a fear of death that compels us to create to meaning, cling to it maybe, but not create.  funny, how a metaphysical mystic like myself, finds absolute truth and comfort in the darwinian perspective.  this is because the myth i bring through, is darwinian too, it just takes it back to pre-universe, and sees how sentience operates all the way through, understanding that to give sentience expression as a human i must do so in my biological likeness.  i really am a marriage of the two, isis and osiris live within, holding down this michelle forte.  why does this make me laugh with joy?  reveling in my libra moon.  both both both.  after wandering, thinking, taking pictures, i wound up at a bar furiously writing page after page in a frenzy.  the cold sunny weather perhaps my impetus, or maybe the writer’s block is gone?   the task is monumental this time, but i am going to do my best to trust that i can gather all of these hand written and typed out fragments, and put them all together somehow.  realization will pull i t all together at the right time.  really enjoyed being on the hill yesterday, valuing the creativity that comes from restriction.  how writing in a dive bar blasting eighties music gave me the energy i needed to get out that chapter’s raw bones.  how standing on a city corner made me stand more still, as not to draw attention to myself, and how this stillness brought a clearer vision.  how my lack of funds brought me home to find refuge in a man in canada giving a lecture that is potent medicine.  how being alone produced everything i needed, even happiness.  the fragility of each moment, that also seems persistent to be exactly what it needs to be.  life is inspiring me.  winter always does, when it’s sunny and freezing.  makes me miss missoula.  or crave another place.  nothing new about wanting to see a new place…feels like it might be time for a fresh journey…