wow, i went from yogic equanimity to a jungian deluge in one day and night, and it’s all meant to be. reading jung’s memoir, he talked about allowing his emotions to unfurl, without equanimity, so that he might work out the contents in his unconscious…and i was deeply inspired. as a woman who uses many modalities and craves variety, i realized that perhaps i was holding the reins too tightly on my unconscious, out of fear of returning to an otherwise wildly ungrounded and tortured past. but i am not that person anymore. i can go ahead and let go. just wanting to, made it happen. by night time, after work, at home, i felt intense emotions of fear and anxiety. i felt shame, unworthiness, awkwardness, loneliness, to name a few. ok, so i suppose equanimity is not something you can get rid of, at a certain point. when the horse is tamed, it is tamed…a changed being. i watched myself unleash, knowing it was my unconscious deluging into my conscious mind, and my heart allowing all of the repressed feelings to emerge. took three days off from yoga and my moon time, to make it so. took jung and jordan peterson’s help. took courage to understand what is still in there, and that there is nothing to do about it, no need to perfect, or solve. felt no feeling of disgust to motivate me into a conservative order of practice, nor any other avoidance tactics. there was only love and fear mixing up a cocktail in my bones, heart, and head. stayed up till late at night, not wanting to go to bed, sizzling in the discomfort, messaging a friend. feeling without order. this has also been brought on because i stopped working with the angels. i am questioning their intent, not sure if they are who they have said they are, to me. i am working with deceit. it’s a very real thing. reading jung is inspiring because he treasures the gift of conflict, and unearthing what is hidden. most people live on the surface, or just a few feet under it, and when uncomfortable feelings and questions arise, wish to ease the mind and make the feelings go away, bringing everything back to some glossy status quo, riddle solved. pansies all of them! (i say in jest). i don’t want to “feel good” or receive a quick answer that will make the discomfort go away. i want wisdom and understanding. my will is strong for loving what is uncomfortable. it’s so weird….to love what hurts so much, and what feels so against me. the self sabotage trying to shame me…to love her…to not try to make her go away by working out, being a good girl, or something…but instead, to just love her. powerful. what am i worth? what are you worth? this was all brought on my my longing for love in the romantic sense, for true love. for anima and animus to be united. a mystical union. the holy grail discovered. the love sealed in a sacred container, till death does it release us. that’s this heart beating’s desire. nothing casual or post-modern, rational, or intellectual about it. i am isis, chaos, goddess of the underworld…looking for osiris, order, god of the upper world. he had been scattered into parts. but this is a new myth. a new parallel reality. something new will happen in this one. an opal treasure will be gifted. he being him allows me to be me. me being me allows he to be him. you can only be chaos when order is right beside you, and vice versa. with this awareness, this creative urge, this unconscious quest…i move this body through the surfaces of life, slowly undressing the delusions, letting go of the attachments, and at the same time, embracing the deluge, impetus, desire, and nature of being, in a darwinian metaphysical marriage within. i am nature at her worst and best. the softest touch and a force to be reckoned with.