listening to bill callahan upon first waking, sipping strong coffee, watching incense smoke waft passed the window, revealing a thick white sky and rain soaking persistent buildings. doesn’t get more seattle than this. “one thing about this wild wild country, takes a strong strong-creates a strong strong mind. anything less, anything less makes me feel like i’m wasting my time.” (a verse from the song drover.) purposely avoiding talking about “the world” because i want to honor silence for the deaths, and for the pain right now. feeling less separate from everybody, because tragedy makes it so. we are going through this for that reason. walking through the city streets yesterday, looking at bright yellow and orange leaves pressed against the wet cement, colors colliding, my amazement for the beauty of this place, filling the heart. suddenly thinking about eyes. the seeing sense. sometimes you have to feel past it, to know the truth. feeling is deeper than sight. not emotional reactivity, that’s different. instinct. the sacred animal using intuition through the body. some people think they can’t trust their instincts because in the past it led them to pain and mistakes. yet, their instincts were right on the entire time. we must make mistakes and go through pain, to learn and grow, for there is no other way to know. had i not made mistakes by following my instincts, i would not be the person i am right now. so much wisdom and acceptance have been gained, my visions have been refined, my purpose has matured, on and on. i don’t mean to sound pollyanna, but it’s just true. if you channel mistakes into growth, you…grow. that’s what we do as humans. if you choose not to learn and grow, and stay attached to the pain, to self or outward blame, then you might calcify. you might turn jaded, bitter, detached, and confused. you might not trust yourself anymore, or you might not trust others. you might push love away. you might avoid and be led astray, into realms and relationships that don’t hurt you the same way, but also don’t fulfill. the possibilities are perhaps not endless, but in plethora for the paths that stem from choices, and choices stem from how we digest experience. it’s all quite practical. destiny is not unhinged from reality by any means. what does it take to keep opening the heart through painful experiences? love and understanding. i have to admit, it’s always been easy for me to love and understand. i have not struggled in this way. but i have struggled to accept and let go of pain. that’s where i get weak. i can hold on to the pain and dwell in it, or i used to. these days, this ability has left. i have learned over practice, to accept pain for what it is, accepting my own and other people’s shadows and short comings. everybody is playing their part in the earth human drama, and this is what is looks like right now. i can only control me, and i am gonna do the best i can, cause that’s how i roll. when i go past looks, into the feelings, into instinct, i feel my part to infuse love and awareness into each moment and heart, to create art and to swim upstream, not accepting things as they are, but making them better. it’s my deepest animal urge and my spirit honors, protects, and helps the animal strive. like i am always spouting about, it’s both. i accept things and people as they are, in this moment, and i work on myself and the world, to create a better place, so to speak. animal and spirit, living in a state of grace, my continual impetus. emotional remnants float to the top of the glass sometimes. nostalgia grabs hold. tangents take me down strange roads. randomness refreshes. meaning bursts into a million pieces, like confetti tossed by a child’s hands, made irrelevant. loving the sound of rain this morning. abrupt ending.