light karmic footprint scorpio new moon eve…

did not blog this morning cause i woke up early to meet ruby early to get to the island early.  wanted to get yoga in before going.  her inking got cancelled, and i wound up not writing, but instead, having a little time to walk around with her.  would i want to live there?  i dunno.  right now, all i am doing is not making decisions because i still don’t know what the right decisions are to make.  i don’t feel like spontaneity or just trying something out, is the right way.  i want to plant roots. and there’s so much doubt in my head, cause i feel like i am not allowed to plant roots, that maybe i am supposed to stay mobile instead.  i notice that whenever i have a desire, there’s this immediate response to it, that i am not allowed to have it.  it’s a program that’s been running a long time.  i am getting rid of it.  which isn’t too hard.  persistence and consistency is key.  yoga teaches me.  through the practice of yoga, i learn how to stay aware, pick out the patterns, and bring love to what i am weeding out.  it works.  the old programs get weeded, and each day my garden grows a little bit brighter.  my garden blooms and dies and blooms and dies, having a master gardener to keep her thriving.  the other weird program i picked out of my brain is that, i always suspect somebody is going to hurt me, like in this really terrible dark way.  i expect complete oppression, loss, and helplessness.  even as a young kid, i often dreamed of being kidnapped, tied up, my sovereignty being taken away from me.  bringing love to this deep seeded fear, making a deeper awareness arise…that due to these mental programs of delusion running, lets call them unhealthy schisms…i find myself not really being good at knowing the difference between truth and delusion, in the external world.  internally, it’s easy to see the truth.  yet outside of me, i often realize i had been deluded, again.  bringing love to this understanding too.  the more i bring love to, the more is revealed, the more is let go of, the lighter and lighter and lighter my karmic footprint becomes.   it’s innate and i believe in it, our human desire for happiness and self sovereignty.  funny, how karma works though.  through all the hard stuff i went through as i kid, a shadow self is molded.  if i tell myself the story that i am not allow to fulfill my desires, and expect to be enslaved, then of course, i will create external delusions, where i think i am manifesting what i want, while unconsciously rejecting what i want at the same time.  what i want being the basics really: self love, loving relationships, loving home, life purpose in action, giving what i am here to give, communicating, healing, having fun, learning lessons, seeing behind the veil, overcoming obstacles, sometimes experiencing bliss, and always cultivating inner peace, equanimity, romance, and creative expression.   when i get in my own way, the sabotage agent is a young child.  i hug her, hold her, and tell her it’s all going to be ok.  i know that sounds cheesy, but it’s what you do with children, you reassure them, and we all have a child inside to give this to.  if you’ve forgotten that, i want to hug and hold you too.  but i wont.  will write instead.  these are all the thoughts today.  the confetti contents in my head.  puget sound got in me.  water water water.  the new moon is happening tomorrow morning.  in scorpio.  so it’s gonna be a two week period of seeding new beginnings based on deep watery truths.  if you want…