gotta write from the purple now…

ok so i took a long shower and found love in my heart again.  i feel like i can get so scorpio soaked with discontent, that everything and everyone becomes flat.  a shadow aspect.  starting to leave ground, not wanting to be here, spitting on the here and now.  a combination of a child and wounded animal.  it’s ok.  typing this out and revealing shadowy vulnerability brings compassion to this experience in my heart, hard to accept.  but things aren’t so bad, i feel that suddenly, now, after water cleansed me.  it’s not just an equanimous mind, holding me up like a hot air balloon, but i am being buoyed by love again.  not even through chanting or yoga did i get here, for i cannot seem to be in practice today or this weekend.  total rebellion against set structures is happening.  uranus coursing through me.  the desire to smash patterns completely, inside and out, by refusing to engage in them.  the feeling of lack for anything external, be a romantic love, work success, a healthier body, a house, a car or whatever it might be…stems from a feeling that right now is deficient.  the trick is to feel that right now is abundant with love, no matter what’s happening, cause we all cycle up and down.  it’s not a trick per se, it’s the truth.  yet the truth is a trick, says coyote, says samhain, says the woman behind the veil.  i am not so sick of tarot or astrology.  just a little.  and i have had fun the past slew of nights, gathering with friends, even though we are all going through a lot, at different places in life, unique in our experiences.  the hill has supported me deeply through this transit and when i left new york city, in that raw humbled state.  i know i am ready for change and yet i also do appreciate right now.  winter blues grabbed my soul, it’s true, the dark feeling of dish rag isolation coursed through and through.  seattle rain.  you gotta surrender to it.  become softer.  the rain really is beautiful, i say with softness in my heart, accepting the not soft part too…