nothing, romance, what’s gross…

virgo moon happening next two days.  feeling it.  feeling unemotional.  the sky is brownish grey.  listening to kd and the sound of construction workers using something metal, banging.  dreamed i moved back to missoula.  coffee not tasting amazing like usual.  flatness.  good morning for a yoga practice.  drip goes the faucet.  i have nothing to say.  blank mind.  burning agarwood.  heat turned up.  this might be the shortest blog yet.  but keep writing.  break on through to the other side.  thoughts are virgo when i try to tap into them.  otherwise feeling like kneeling before quiet beauty and connecting to the purity of life.  desire peaking through to bathe in the waters of a fantasy place where isis sits at the water’s edge, telling me about her day.  mirror images.  blah.  really.  this is not working.  forced poetry, forced blogging.  just need to finish this cup of coffee and meditate, do yoga, and be silent until my client.  the deep rolling sound of kd’s voice calms the cells of this body.  safe within his masculine energy, sharp edges sedated like a sunset.  watching my moods, thoughts, and feelings shift and change like weather.  seattle sky so much like me.  mirror images.  oneness asking for recognition though the desire for similarity.  clever and wise.  clarity in disguise as passion.  oh, here is something to tell!  yesterday i met a friend for lunch at an indian buffet.  when i went to the bathroom, i took one look in the toilet, and what i saw was so disturbing that i raced out of there.  it looked like an entire tray of some yellow indian dish was sitting in there, and had absorbed all the water.  but i know the people who work there, they did not do something like that.  so, it must have come from the inside of a human body.  oh my god.  i am still shivering and disturbed by what i saw.  it’s so weird how the feeling of gross is a part of this realm.  my reaction was so strong.  talk about the opposite of pedestal.  making this instant analogy to lovers, and how new lovers put one another on pedestals sometimes.  what an illusion inside the illusion.  i have done it too.  but these days i see right through.  don’t want it.  crave the intimacy of the ordinary, not an emotional rise that comes from hormones and holding somebody else up higher than you.  instead, the closeness of two souls who have no shame with each other.  takes having no shame within the self?  am i shameless? oh there you are virgo, striving for perfection.  of course when the thoughts enter, they are about romantic love and gross things.  nice contrast.  now lets get back the middle.