a new year and house…

it was a mellow birthday.  did my usual routine, and met a few friends for dinner at a classy place, drank a few classy cocktails, talked deep.  did my best to not wish or pine, and instead appreciate all i have and bask in the love of the divine.  divine as creator within me.  her explanation of the uranus transit, about metaphorically building your own house…truth.  somebody important not remembering, focused on himself.  that theme throughout my life.  being the giver.  not being fed in return.  feeling that house burn down in the form of all relationships from friend to lover.  knowing it is possible to be with my equal.  somebody who treasures my priestess healer core, but is not with me to only get fed by her, or trying to ignore her out of me, so my face matches the personality they wanna see.  feeling that home for me, truly is in the heart of another.  yet finding home in spirit within, first.  and getting to the place where i can truly say, i’d rather be alone than settle, because i am self possessed.  i don’t need you.  and i don’t.  at the same time, opening the heart so vastly, that i am ready to need and be needed, to love and be loved, to settle into intimacy like two animals do on planet earth.  it’s always a juggling act on the inside.  desires collide.  not yet knowing how to love a man who is not giving me crumbs, so being strict with myself, by not allowing the writing of transparent emails or reaching out.  not gonna be a pretty pigeon anymore.  ready for a new story to begin.  the holding pattern.  getting off the hill.  knowing that if i hop on a bus and go to leschi i could be pleasantly surprised.  who knows where i am meant to reside.  gabe says it’s coming soon.  says to stay focused on my writing.  adjusting to a new reality, that has yet to manifest in the physical…for us all.  do you feel it?  it is the pagan new year as well.  listening to chopin this morning.  adoring the softness.  sky is blue.  good day for a jog.  not much else…